BEING GOOD FRIENDS: HOW TO GET ONE

by Duy Ðức

nyone can have friends. Even people whom we dislike intensely for various reasons have their own friends. But in my experience, there are friends, then there are friends. One of the most common things I have heard from people is that they have a lot of friends, but it is difficult for them to have close friends. In many ways, making good friends is a skill, and like all skills, it must be learned, practiced, and refined.

First, however, let us discuss what it means to have a friendship. Friendship is an in-depth relationship between two individuals in which there are trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy, and intimacy. Indeed, a friend is someone we can feel comfortable around no matter what state we are in. It's just like when we go to somebody's house for the weekend. While we are there, we have a lot of fun experiencing something different. But the moment we get back to our own house, our own room, a feeling of relaxation comes upon us, and we say, "Home at last!" In many ways, that's how it is with a friend. No matter where we go, whom we talk to, what images we have to put on at school or at work, a friend is someone we can come "home" to and be able to say, "At last, I don't have to worry about anything." We can take off our shoes, put our feet on the coffee table, turn on our favorite music CD with a friend.

There are many things a good friend can do for us. First, they help us to grow in self-knowledge. In other words, by relating to our friend, we discover new things about ourselves. A friend may introduce us to things that we liked without even knowing it. For example, we may never discover our interest for poetry until a friend drags us to a poetry reading or show us a poem he liked. We find out the things that we both like -- a certain sport, a particular style of music, some foods. At the same time, we can also find out things that are different between us. Our friend may like phôû* the best while we like spring rolls the best. A friend may like to take walks in the afternoon while we prefer to sit around and watch television. Whether similarities or differences, a good friend will always be able to help us grow in self-knowledge.

A second way that a good friend can help us is by expanding our outlook on life. For example, we may make a friend who is of a different race and culture. She has different ideas about clothes, food, and religion, etc.. In many ways, these things that are different from us can help us to see that there is other ways of looking at the world beside what we are used to. Thus, we can break out of our own shells. For example, I would never have gone skydiving if a friend of mine didn't convince me that it was a thrilling experience and that I would enjoy it tremendously. A friend may also introduce us to technologies that we didn't know about, or even spiritual groups that we didn't know about.

Third, a friend is a good source of encouragement. A good friend will never want to see us fail and don't feel the need to put us down in order to lift himself up. He wants to encourage us so that we can overcome the difficulties and the stress that we experience in our daily life.

Fourth, a good friend is not only good at giving but also good at receiving. In other words, a good friend offers us company, love, support, but he will also be able to receive these things from us. Therefore, it is a reciprocal relationship of giving and receiving. Good friends allow us to exercise our skills of listening to them, encouraging them, supporting them, and loving them. They help us to practice at being good friends ourselves.

Finally, good friends help us to grow in our ability to trust. In this competitive world, it is very difficult to trust people because it seems that everyone wants what we have. Nevertheless, a good friend helps us to be able to trust in someone else. If we live without trust, it would be a very unhappy life.

While good friends are important, like many things in life, they don't come automatically. Making good friends require hard and continuous work. Let us consider the necessary steps in making a good friend:

1. People Equal Friends.

There is a certain chemistry with friends just as in a love relationship. Therefore, contact with other people is the first building block to grow a friend. Friends can't grow in a vacuum. Best friends take time.

2. Talking Is Essential Among Friends.

Talking between friends requires reciprocity. In a mutually satisfying friendship, both friends talk and both friends listen. Friends talk appropriately to each other.

3. Friends Acknowledge Friends.

Friends acknowledge each other when talking. Many conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided if you will take the time to acknowledge other's feelings and points of view.

4. Friends Listen to Friends.

Listening to friends in an important step in building a closer friendship. We often take listening for granted, never realizing what it means to really listen to a friend.

5. Friends Attend to Friends.

Friends focus during conversations. Friends pay attention in conversations. It means that your ears, your eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at the time.

6. Friends Show Empathy With Friends.

Empathy is identifying with your friend's feelings and seeing life through your friend's eyes. Confidences are freely given when they are received with empathy among friends.

7. Friends Touch Friends.

Touching is a warm form of communication between friends. When you see best friends communicating, you will notice friends "listen with their eyes," stand close together, and touch comfortably.

8. Friends Praise Friends.

Affirmation is a powerful tool for growing a friend. Genuine praise can affect your friends' lives. Be liberal with praise for all of your friends, including your casual ones.

9. Friends Are Loyal and Trustworthy.

Trust and loyalty go hand-in-hand for friends. Friends can trust you with their secrets, both large and small, because good friends never break a confidence. Good friends are forever loyal!

10. Friends are Equal.

Friends are on a seesaw. In a healthy relationship, friends are equals. Not 50/50 every time, of course, but with a true, lasting friendship it always evens out in the end.

11. Friends Reveal Their Feelings.

We feel closest to our friends when we are suffering together, when we feel like our friend needs us, or when we feel a friend has shared something of great importance with us.

12. Friends Forego Mind Reading.

The friend who thinks, "If you really liked me, you could read my mind" can not have an adult friendship. No friend can read your mind. And you can not read your friend's mind.

As we can see, forming long lasting friendship requires time, effort, and patience. A friend is not someone we can buy with money or falsehood, but must acquire through genuine love and care. Let us strive to be good friends to others so that our life may also be enriched by the goodness that friends can provide us.