CHAPTER 10

The way you view marriage is very important. Your future happiness will largely depend upon the success or failure of your future marriage. But where can you look to find a view of marriage that really works?

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You are the future of family life.
You are the future of the joy of loving.
You are the future of making your life
something beautiful for God ...
a pure love.
That you love a girl
or that you love a boy
is beautiful,
but don't spoil it,
don't destroy it.
Keep it pure.
Keep your heart virgin.
Keep your love virgin,
so that on the day of your marriage
you can give something
beautiful to each other ...
the joy of a pure love.

-- Mother Teresa of Calcutta, to young people (as quoted in YOU! Magazine, May 1992)

What Am I Going to Do with My Life?

This is an important question that is often difficult for high-school students to answer. Finding your niche in the world can be quite confusing and frightening these days.

But don't sweat it, because God is in control. One thing you can be certain of is that God wants your life to be something beautiful for him. And the most beautiful thing anyone can do is to seek to live and love like Jesus did.

Regardless of which career you choose, or whether you marry or remain single, God is asking you to pursue holiness above anything else. Holiness is the vocation of every person. God wants each one of us to become a saint. Saints are normal people who strive to always do what God wants, no matter what the consequences are.

Married or Single?

Which does God want for you? God calls many to marriage, while others he wants to be single so that they can devote themselves wholeheartedly to Christ and his Church.

The rest of this chapter is about serving God through marriage, but we need to consider what the single life is all about before we move on.

It's a fact -- God doesn't want some people to get married. To these individuals he has given the special gift of celibacy, which is simply the lifelong state of being unmarried. God gives this gift to some in order that they can do his work with a single-minded devotion. Some celibate people are called to the priesthood and the religious life, while others remain laypersons who work in ordinary jobs.

As we will see in this chapter, marriage (or matrimony) is a great sacrament as well as a demanding path to holiness; but celibacy for the sake of the kingdom of God is a higher calling. Service to the Church through the celibate state is a great ideal that should be held in high esteem.

In a book of this nature it is necessary to point out that those who embrace celibacy do not deny their gift of sexuality. On the contrary, they affirm it by giving it to God. Men and women give their respective masculinity and femininity to the service of the Church.

In marriage, couples honor God by giving a total gift of themselves to each other. In celibacy, individuals give a total gift of themselves to Christ and his Church.

The Church is in need of those who recognize the call of God to celibacy to courageously embrace that gift. The Church needs modern-day apostles who are willing to give up the goods of marriage and family for the sake of working for the kingdom of God.

But the Church is also in need of good Catholic marriages. The important thing to remember is that no matter which state God calls you to (marriage or celibacy), the ultimate goal is your holiness.

Let's now turn to God's understanding of holiness through marriage.

Marriage: Does It Work Anymore?

Mother Teresa got it exactly right. Marital love is something beautiful. Two people sharing themselves totally and unselfishly for a lifetime -- not many things on this earth are better than this. One thing that possibly rivals the expression of marital love is holding your newborn child for the first time. (And in case you haven't figured it out, the two are closely related!)

But maybe marriage is the farthest thing from your mind right now. Maybe you're not even dating. (No need to rush things.) Your biggest concern might be handling the crazy schedule of the average high-school student: getting your mid-term project in before the deadline, making it to your after-school job on time, finding time to squeeze in your ballet class or football practice, and even managing to eke out a social life.

"Who has time to think about dating seriously, let alone about marriage? And besides, I'm not so sure I want to get married. I mean, my folks are divorced. I see the pain marriage has caused them. I'm not so sure marriage works anymore."

Yet, most of us fall in love. We date. We break up. We fall in love again. This time, we date seriously. And before we know it, we’re engaged and on our way down the aisle.

It happens to the best of us. Before you realize it, you will likely be walking down the aisle.

But you're right, nearly half the marriages in America don't work, ending in divorce -- leaving a trail of brokenness in their paths. So we hesitate. We wonder, "Is it worth the risk? Why isn't it working? Is the dream of a lifelong, happy marriage and family life a relic from a forgotten world?"

Who can blame you for thinking this way?

Does marriage still work? Absolutely! Is it possible to be happily married? You better believe it is!

But we're convinced that it's only possible if a couple approaches marriage in the right way. The way you view marriage is very important. Your future happiness will largely depend upon the success or failure of your future marriage. But where can you look to find a view of marriage that really works?

Definitely not on most TV shows. Like the media's view of sex, their presentation of marriage leaves a lot to be desired. The following story of Lustful Luke and Selfish Sabrina is typical of how marriage is shown.

Lustful Luke and Selfish Sabrina

From the moment Lustful Luke saw her, he knew he had to have her. He first spotted her from the other side of the room at the Country Club cocktail party. There she was, standing alone in her sexy, black sequined dress. Curves in all the right places; long, flowing brown hair; and luscious red lips. Selfish Sabrina was the woman of Lustful Luke's dreams.

From the moment Selfish Sabrina saw him, she knew she had to have him. She had been waiting for this moment all night. Their eyes met and she knew it was him right away. Everything about him said "money." From his custom-made designer tux to his black alligator shoes and his gold cufflinks, she knew this man must be Lustful Luke. She knew about his mansion in Beverly Hills and his condo in Paris. And she guessed correctly that the red BMW she spotted in the parking lot was his. She had to meet him. Luke was the man of Selfish Sabrina's dreams.

Three weeks after they met, they were married by a justice of the peace while on a weekend getaway to Rio.

They had a great marriage. They each got what they wanted. But then it happened. Selfish Sabrina got pregnant. She couldn't wait to cuddle her little one, but Lustful Luke wasn't thrilled. It was her figure. It was gone. Her ankles swelled and she gained forty-five pounds during the pregnancy.

Now more than ever, Lustful Luke's secretary was looking very good. They made arrangements for secret rendezvous at the No-Tell Hotel. But much to Luke's misfortune, the rendezvous were so frequent that his investments were neglected and one day he lost everything.

Well, when Selfish Sabrina found out that they had to sell the mansion, the condo, and the BMW and move into a two-bedroom apartment above a pizza shop, she was furious.

After fighting for one day, Selfish Sabrina and Lustful Luke decided that it would be best if they got a divorce --so they did.

Four months later, Lustful Luke married his secretary, and Selfish Sabrina, who had given birth to a son, ran off with her doctor.

To be continued.

Doomed to Failure: Conditional Marriages Based on Selfish 'Love'

Why didn't this marriage work? It's obvious to all: Lustful Luke and Selfish Sabrina had a lousy approach to marriage. It was a marriage based upon what each person would gain from marrying the other. In this case, sex and wealth. When those things vanished, so did the marriage.

This story may seem extreme, and it is. But it represents a common view held (sometimes unconsciously) today: When my spouse doesn't meet my needs and wants anymore, it's time to leave and find a new one who does.

There's another version: If my needs and wants change and my spouse doesn't, it's time to leave and find a new spouse.

This is a conditional view of marriage. As long as certain (unspoken) conditions are met, we'll live happily ever after. "Commitment" and "love" are based upon these conditions. When the conditions are not met, the "commitment" and "love" vanish and the marriage with it. Conditional marriages are based upon selfish "love," and, for that reason, they simply don't work.

In conditional marriages, the spouse is ultimately treated as an object or thing to be discarded when "it" is no longer useful. This view of marriage can be compared to a business contract between two people. A contract is honored as long as it's beneficial for each of the partners. If the marriage is good for me, then I'll stay with it. If not, I'm outta here.

It seems likely that many of the fifty percent of marriages that end in divorce had a conditional and selfish element to their relationship. This conditional attitude may not have been expressed or even recognized by the divorced couple, but it was surely present in most of these marriages.

A selfish and conditional approach to marriage is not what God intended for marriage. And because it's contrary to God's will, it's doomed to failure and pain.

But there's a much better approach to marriage -- one that's guaranteed to succeed. It's a view of marriage that's based, not on conditional or self-interested love, but on a total, unconditional gift of self to one's spouse. Let's take a look at how God has designed marriage to work.

Marriage: A Total Gift of Yourself

When we were dating, we spent what seemed like a ton of cash buying gifts for one another. We still have sweaters, jewelry, and stuffed animals that we bought for each other. We gave each other these gifts to express our love and affection. You can all probably relate to giving gifts as tokens of your love for family and friends. This is what gifts are for. This is why we feel rejected if somebody doesn't like the present we gave him or her. The gift is more than the material object -- it symbolizes our love.

And if the gift is rejected, our love seems rejected as well.

Well, marriage is a time for gifts that express love. We spent hours opening our wedding gifts after our honeymoon. But more important than all the wedding gifts is the gift that the newlyweds give to each other.

In happy marriages, couples decide to express their love for one another by giving the ultimate gift that two people can give to each other -- themselves. The material gifts received at a wedding can be very nice, but they don't compare to the gift that the new spouses give to each other while standing before their family and friends at the altar.

Back in Chapter 2, we highlighted the truth that each one of us has a built-in desire to love with the same kind of total love that God has for us. This desire is "built-in" because we are made like God -- "in his image." In fact, this desire to love selflessly and totally is so real that we only really achieve happiness and meaning in life if we love this way.

This total, selfless, Godlike love is what God has intended for married couples. It's only when spouses love each other in this way that happiness in marriage is possible. It's vitally important to understand that a happy marriage demands a total gift of yourself. This gift of self must also be unconditional. Happy marriages involve two people saying to each other: "I love you. I want to bind myself to you forever. I give myself to you totally, without holding anything back. Out of love, I give you my body, my mind, my heart, my love, my loyalty, my trust, my affection, my money, my dreams, my desires, my wants, my interests, and my goals." (Cf. CCC 2364, 1627, 1644.)

Real Love Is More Than a Feeling -- It's Total Commitment

This total and unconditional gift of self to one's spouse demands a real love based upon commitment, not merely on feelings. It's a shame, but real love is so often confused these days with feelings. We've all said things like: "He's so cute; I just love him." Or, "She's got a great body, I think I love her." Obviously, comments like these don't really reflect real love. They merely relate how a person "feels" about someone at that particular moment.

It's a big deal when your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you that he or she loves you, but is he or she expressing real love or just warm feelings toward you? From experience, it's our hunch that many so-called "loves" are really just infatuation or sexual attraction, not real love.

Real love means commitment forever. Don't get us wrong -- feelings are a part of real love, but there is much more than feelings involved in love. A marital love based exclusively on feeling is headed for trouble, because feelings change -- sometimes radically and quickly. (Keith remembers being dumped for another guy the very day after his first girlfriend told him that she loved him!)

Feelings are usually based upon outward appearances or upon the way you are being treated. But the truth is: Your future spouse is not always going to look great. Age, tiredness, and pregnancy all make it impossible for us to maintain a youthful appearance, nor is your future spouse always going to treat you like a king or a queen.

Most people have bad habits and defects that are quite difficult to live with sometimes. In fact, chances are fairly good that at some point in your future marriage your spouse is going to seriously disappoint you and cause you emotional pain. The bottom line is: You probably won't always feel in love with your spouse. But that doesn't mean you don't love him or her. Happily married couples know that real love goes much deeper than feelings.

Love that is based solely on feelings is not strong enough to last through tough times. On the other hand, love that is totally committed (no matter how one may feel at the time) can ride out any storm that a marriage may bring.

'I Love Him So Much -- I Think I'll Just Die'

In Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, the lovers prove their love for one another by their willingness to die for their love. We are convinced that marital love is just as romantic. And like Romeo and Juliet, marital love involves a "death."

To give yourself totally to another person means that you are willing to die to yourself. This means death to your own interests, for the sake of your spouse. Another way of saying the same thing is to say that marital love is a self-sacrificial love. Like natural death, dying to yourself in marriage can be quite painful at times. But marital love demands it.

Think about it. Before marriage, you are basically free to do whatever you please. If you want to buy a new outfit and you have the money, you buy it. If you want to go out with your friends, you do it. But after marriage, you must consider the best interests of your spouse before you act. As we're sure you recognize, this can be difficult when what you want to do differs from what is best for your spouse. In many small ways, every day, marital love calls for a death to self.

St. Paul compares marital love to the kind of love that Jesus has for us, his Church. St. Paul says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). How did Christ show love for his Church? He died for it. He gave everything so that we could be happy. Christ is asking for the same kind of love between spouses.

It's only through death to our own self-interests that we come to experience true love, joy, and happiness in marriage. Before Christ could rise triumphantly from the dead, he had to die. The same is true in marriage. When each spouse dies to selfish desires, they are then "resurrected" into a deep, loving union that's stronger than any other human relationship.

But why would anyone want to give of oneself like this to another person? Love, of course.

And here's the great part: Your spouse is giving totally of himself or herself, too. Marriage involves not only giving a gift but also receiving one. Could there be a better gift than the total love and commitment of the one whom you love totally? We don't think so. Marriage is something beautiful for God!

The Key to Great Sex

Do you want to have a great sex life someday?

We have just told you how to have one. Give yourself totally and unconditionally to your future spouse and you will be doing the most important thing possible to ensure a great sex life. A recent study by the Family Research Council indicated that seventy-two percent of the people who have this kind of a marriage report high sexual satisfaction. This is a thirty-one percent higher rate of satisfaction than those who have sex outside of marriage.

Popular fashion and "self-help" magazines don't understand this. Nearly one story a month appears in each of these magazines related to improving your sex life. A recent article in Redbook is entitled: "Have the sex life you always wanted: How to have it now." What the writers of articles such as these don't understand is that sex is only really good (that is, emotionally, physically, and morally good) when it's in the context of a total, unconditional marriage relationship.

They think that good sex is achieved by perfecting the right technique in order to gain the most physical pleasure. But there is so much more to good sex than the physical aspect. Sex is intended by God to be an expression of real, unconditional, committed marital love. When this sacrificial love and its corresponding total commitment in marriage are missing, sex is reduced to physical pleasure. And this pleasure, by itself, doesn't satisfy. If it did, prostitutes would be the happiest people in the world. But they're not.

Sexual intercourse is the expression (in a bodily way) of the total gift that a husband and wife have given to each other. Sex celebrates this total gift of love; and at the same time, it deepens the marital bond and makes it more real. Sex without the total gift of self in marriage is empty and hollow -- just ask a prostitute.

Great Sex Is Open to Life

There's another related sex myth circulating in America these days. It suggests that it's normal to want sexual intercourse without the possibility of producing a child. The pleasure and union from sex are sought by such couples -- but without the risk of conceiving a child. This is achieved with the use of artificial contraceptives or birth control.

This is an unnatural rejection of a very good gift that God gives couples through sexual intercourse. It's unnatural because children are not something foreign to a marriage; rather, they spring from the very heart of marital love. (Cf. CCC 2368, 1652-1654.)

As we've mentioned in Chapter 4, sex was created by God not only to be life-uniting but also to create a new human life through this intimate union. The life-uniting and life-giving aspects of sexual intercourse are two sides of the same coin. For this reason, the Catechism of the Catholic Church tells us what the Church has always taught: "Each and every marriage act must remain open to the transmission of life" (CCC 2366).

Having sexual intercourse while deliberately ruling out the possibility of having a child by using artificial birth control can be compared to ordering a chocolate-fudge sundae and scraping off all the chocolate fudge and eating only the ice cream. The best part of the sundae has been wasted.

We have highlighted the fact that a happy marriage demands a total gift of self. Using contraceptives contradicts this kind of total gift. It says, "I will give you everything, except my ability to make a new life." It says no to the new creation of a couple's love. It's a holding back of a very important part of the gift. This is one reason why the Catholic Church has always taught that using artificial birth control of any kind is seriously sinful. (Cf. CCC 2399.)

There are a number of related reasons why each act of sexual intercourse must remain open to the possibility of new life.

1. God views children as always a blessing from him, and never as a curse. Verses 3 and 5 of Psalm 127 tell us that "sons are a heritage from the Lord; / the fruit of the womb a reward / ... / Happy is the man who has / his quiver full of them!" The Catechism of the Catholic Church echoes these verses when it says clearly that "Sacred Scripture and the Church's traditional practice see in large families a sign of God's blessing and the parents' generosity" (No. 2373).

To a home, children add life and joy that is not present without them. Their smiles, energy, childhood innocence, and daily discoveries have a way of keeping a home young and alive.

Children also bind their parents to one another. In their children, parents see a living symbol of their love and union. The married couples we know who have several children have a marriage relationship that is very fresh and alive. Couples who are "childless by choice" can easily get bored with one another. A relationship becomes sterile when it's focused on self-interests to the exclusion of having children.

Children have a way of bringing out the best in their parents. They force parents to live a self-sacrificial love daily. Small children are totally helpless. They can't eat, bathe, or get dressed without Mom or Dad. This has a way of calling forth the best virtues from the couple. Children are indeed a blessing from the Lord!

2. Married couples who respect the life-giving power of sexual intercourse by not using artificial birth control are less likely to treat one another as sexual objects. There's a danger, even in marriage, of treating your spouse as an object who is there to fulfill your sexual desires. It's pretty hard to have this happen when all your acts of sexual intercourse are potentially life-producing. For couples who don't use contraception, sex is recognized for what it really is: a very powerful (life-giving) gift from God.

3. Those married couples who don't use contraception are much more likely to have a happy and successful marriage. The evidence is overwhelming. The divorce rate is less than five percent for those who don't use artificial birth control. Conversely, forty to sixty percent of those Catholics who don't follow this teaching end up divorced!

God really does bless those who are faithful to him.

A married couple we were friends with in college gave us some great advice when it comes to being generous with having children. They told us simply, "You can't outgive God! Because nobody is more generous than God." What they meant was that the more we give of ourselves to God through obedience to him (in this case, by not using artificial birth control), the more God will bless us -- because God will not be outdone in generosity. We can't think of better advice to give newly married couples. God has certainly not let us down!

NFP: Natural Family Planning

With all that we've just said, you might get the impression that God wants married couples to have as many children as is physically possible. Or you might think that every time you have sexual intercourse with your spouse you must make a baby. Both of these ideas are not what the Church teaches.

As we've said, the Church does teach that using artificial contraception is always wrong. Each act of intercourse must be open to new life. Nothing should be done to any act of sexual intercourse to shut off the possibility of producing a child. Artificial birth control deliberately blocks the potential conception of a new child. It intentionally tries to separate the life-giving from the life-uniting aspect of sex. This is an abuse of our sexual gift.

Because it's always wrong to use artificial birth control, there can be no time when it is the right thing to do.

But is there a moral way to regulate birth? We'll turn to this question after we clear up a misunderstanding related to this Church teaching.

Don't misunderstand what the Church says. Sex that doesn't make a baby is still morally good. In fact, even if a married couple recognizes that getting pregnant is highly unlikely because of the woman's cycle (more on this later), it's still morally good to have sex.

In fact, the Catholic Church recognizes that there are times in a marriage when having a child could cause great hardship to the family. For situations such as this, the Church recommends natural family planning, or NFP. Pope Paul VI, in his encyclical letter Humanae Vitae (from the Latin, literally meaning "of human life"), states the Church's position: "If ... there are serious motives to space out births, which derive from the physical or psychological condition of husband and wife, or from external conditions, the Church teaches that it is then licit to take into account the natural rhythms immanent in the generative functions, for the use of marriage in the infecund periods only, and in this way to regulate birth without offending the moral principles . . . " (No. 16).

In plain language, this paragraph is saying that married couples may morally make use of what is now called NFP to avoid getting pregnant, if there is a serious reason. (Cf. CCC 2368, 2370.)

NFP is based upon scientific studies of women's menstrual cycles. Doctors have discovered that there are certain signs in a woman's body that reveal when she is ovulating. Ovulation is when an egg is released from a woman's ovaries. Ovulation occurs normally once a month. It's only around the time of ovulation that it's possible for a woman to become pregnant.

NFP teaches couples to recognize and chart the signs of ovulation. This can be done very accurately. If there are serious reasons for avoiding pregnancy, married couples can avoid pregnancy by not having sexual intercourse during the days when ovulation occurs and immediately before and after ovulation. It takes some self-control, but studies have shown NFP to be as effective at avoiding pregnancy as any method of artificial contraception.

However, NFP is very different from artificial contraception. When using NFP, sex is avoided during ovulation to avoid pregnancy, but the sex act is not altere in any way to make it incapable of conceiving a baby.

Those who use NFP simply don't have sexual intercourse when they don't want to get pregnant.

Using artificial birth control is different from this. Those who use artificial contraception still have sex, but they alter the reproductive forces to make the sex childless, And this is what makes it immoral.

There are a number of different methods of NFP, but there is not space here to go into the specifies of how each method of NFP works. However, if you are close to marrying and would like more information about the specifies of practicing NFP, there are organizations that will be happy to send you information. One of the most popular groups is the Couple to Couple League International, Inc., P.O. Box I 11184, Cincinnati, OH 45211.

We want to close this section on a personal note. Following the Church teaching that forbids artificial contraception has been, without a doubt, the greatest blessing of our marriage! At this writing, we have six precious little gifts from God to prove it. It has helped us to gain a real respect and understanding of our sexuality that we didn't have when we were dating. It's our personal belief that couples who go wrong here are making the biggest mistake possible toward the destruction of their marriages.

Permanently Hitched

As we've seen, marital love demands a total gift of self. It follows from this that the total gift of self is a permanent gift. In theological terms, a valid marriage is what the Church calls "indissoluble." This means that the marriage bond is so real that it cannot be broken by anyone, even the spouses themselves. (Cf. CCC 1640, 2382.)

Have you ever given a gift and then decided to take it back? You wouldn't think of doing this. Once the gift is given, it's given and that's that.

Well, when two baptized persons give themselves to each other totally in marriage, they can't decide later to take back the gift. If there was an option of taking the gift back, then the marriage would not consist of a "total" giving. But the gift of self in marriage is total, and therefore it's permanent.

We mentioned earlier in this chapter that conditional and self-interested marriages are based on a contractual understanding of marriage. If the contract benefits both parties, they stay with it. If it no longer offers benefit, the contract is not renewed and the relationship ends.

God doesn't view marriage as a contract. Rather, he created marriage to be a covenant between two people. One of the differences between a covenant and a contract is that a covenant is a permanent bond between two parties. It's a bond that has life-and-death implications.

God is the model for knowing what a covenant is. The Bible records God making a covenant with his chosen people. The covenants that God makes are permanent. They are life-and-death bonds.

Consider the final covenant that God made with his Church. The Bible calls this covenant a marriage between God and his bride, the Church. God established this permanent bond by sending his Son. The covenant was sealed permanently in Christ's blood on the cross. When God makes a covenant, he wants us to know that it's serious business. God has shown us how serious he is about keeping the covenant with his people by offering his Son on the cross.

Marriage is a covenant between two people; therefore it's a bond that cannot be broken. And the covenant between spouses is even, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church says, "sealed by God himself... Thus the marriage bond has been established by God himself in such a way that a marriage concluded and consummated between baptized persons can never be dissolved" (Nos. 1639-1640; second emphasis added).

So even if a couple want to end a valid marriage, they can't. Because in God's eyes (and in reality), the marriage bond is permanent. Jesus made this clear when he explained that when two people marry, the bond is so real that they become one flesh, and thus they cannot be separated because "from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife], and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate" (Mark 10:6-9; NAB).

Because this bond is so real, no human being (not even a judge or the Church) can really separate a married couple.

"But how does this square with civil divorce and remarriage?" you may ask. "Just about anyone who wants a divorce can get one. And people get remarried all the time. Yet, you say that it's impossible to end a valid marriage. I don't get it."

Marriages that are ended in the court of law aren't really over. The covenant continues even if the spouses and the courts don't recognize that it still exists. This is why Jesus has said, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery. "

Out of faithfulness to Christ, the Church does not recognize civil divorces and remarriages, pointing out "that a new union cannot be recognized as valid, if the first marriage was. If the divorced are remarried civilly, they find themselves in a situation that objectively contravenes God's law. Consequently, they cannot receive Eucharistic communion as long as this situation persists" (CCC 1650).

You may have heard about the Church granting annulments to couples. Isn't an annulment the Church's way of divorcing people?

No, an annulment is very different from a divorce. An annulment is simply the recognition by the Church that the marriage bond never really took place between the couple, while a divorce seeks to separate people who are really married.

It is not within the scope of this book to give a detailed explanation of annulments. The following excerpt from The Teaching of Christ, 4th Edition (published by Our Sunday Visitor) is a good summary of what an annulment is: "Some apparent marriages that 'fail' were in fact never true marriages. No real marriage covenant was established if one or both of the partners failed to give, or were incapable of giving, free consent; or if one or both did not intend a real marriage, a bond of faithful love at least in principle open to offspring. If for any reason an apparent marriage was not a genuine marriage from the start, it may be possible to obtain from the Church an official acknowledgment of that fact, that is, an annulment, or, more exactly, a decree of nullity. Each diocese is required to have a matrimonial tribunal or court to hear and judge matrimonial cases. Should it be determined that one had not been validly married, genuine marriage with another partner would not be excluded."

Marriage: A Holy Calling

As we hope you can tell from what we've said, marriage is a totally unique relationship. It makes two people one; it helps spouses to love like God does; it creates new life; and it's a permanent bond. There is no other human relationship that does these things. But there is something else marriage does that we haven't yet mentioned explicitly. In fact, all of these other things are meant to lead to this final thing.

The most important thing marriage does is that it helps the spouses become more like God. The Church understands marriage to be a holy calling from God. Through this state in life, a person has an obligation to become more holy, more like Christ.

The primary purpose of marriage, in fact, is to lead spouses to God. There are all kinds of secondary reasons for marrying: starting and nurturing a family, companionship, the pursuit of happiness, etc. But, ultimately, mariiage is meant to help the spouses gain heaven.

Yet, God has not left spouses to try to become holy on their own. Jesus has raised marriage to the level of a sacrament. The sacraments are the main way that God gives his people his divine life. (Cf. CCC 1638, 1641-1642.)

There are seven sacraments: baptism, confirmation, Eucharist, reconciliation, anointing of the sick, holy orders, and marriage. These sacraments were given as gifts by Jesus to the Church. They are signs through which we actually receive God's life into our souls. Through each of the sacraments, Jesus directly works in the soul of the Catholic to transform him or her into the likeness of God.

Does it seem strange to you that marriage is a sacrament? It seems so ordinary. How can changing diapers, washing clothes, doing yard work, paying bills, grocery shopping, and all the other mundane aspects of marital life be holy? Yet, God has seen fit to make marriage a means of giving his divine life to us.

And here 's the neat part: In the sacrament of marriage, it's the spouses who give the sacrament to one another. In baptism, Christ works through the person who baptizes to cleanse the soul from sin and fill it with divine life. In the Eucharist, the priest acts in the person of Christ to give us Christ's life in his very body and blood. In marriage, it's the spouses who act as Christ for each other. (Cf. CCC 1623.)

Christ is the source of the grace that couples give to one another. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (No. 1642) mentions many ways that Jesus helps couples who are in a sacramental marriage. They are worth listing:

-Christ dwells with the couple.

-Christ gives them strength to take up the crosses that usually come in marriage.

-Christ helps them to rise again after they have fallen.

-Christ helps spouses to forgive one another.

-Christ gives them the strength to bear one another's burdens.

-Christ helps them "to be subject to one another out of love for him" (Ephesians 5:2 1).

-And Christ helps them to love one another in a supernatural, tender, and fruitful manner.

As you can see, there's a lot more to marriage than meets the eye. God is at work here. If you seek him in your future marriage, you will find him.

Conclusion: Choosing a Mate

After taking a serious look at what's really involved in marriage, it becomes apparent that one's choice of a lifelong partner is very significant. We want to conclude this chapter with a number of factors that should be seriously considered when deciding whom to marry.

The following considerations are based on everything we have said thus far in this chapter about marriage -- it's a total gift of self that God is intimately involved in.

1. The person you marry should be a baptized Christian who is actively seeking to please God through his or her life. This is the basic consideration. It's basic because a person's faith determines everything else about him or her. A person's faith generally determines what one's main goal in life is.

You will want to be totally bonded only to someone who has the same goal in life that you have. That goal should be to please Jesus Christ and one day live with him eternally in heaven.

2. It's best if you marry a baptized Catholic who is committed to the teaching of the Catholic faith. There are a number of reasons why it's clearly best for a Catholic to marry a Catholic instead of a baptized, non-Catholic Christian. All of these reasons are related to the complete unity that is less likely attainable in a mixed marriage. For this reason, the Church requires that a Catholic get express permission from Church authorities to marry a baptized, non-Catholic Christian.

One major source of disunity in "mixed marriages" is how sexuality is understood. Many non-Catholic Christians don't have the same view of sex that Catholics do. Artificial birth control is permitted by most of these denominations. Not having unity in this matter can be devastating.

Marrying a Catholic who is committed to the Church assures that both partners are open to the new gift (or gifts) of life that God wants to bring into the marriage. Even more, the Church is calling Catholics to be generously open to this new life. Will your non-Catholic husband or wife be generously open to life? Are children considered to be a necessary burden to the marriage or are they viewed as treasured gifts from God that bring life and joy into a home? Difficulties will definitely arise if there is not unity on this point.

And how are the children in a mixed marriage going to be raised? The Catholic spouse has an obligation to raise and educate his or her children in the Catholic faith.

It will be hard to do this if Dad is going to the local Presbyterian Church while Mom and the kids head to Mass. The kids will see your disunity and wonder why. This could cause them great confusion.

Wouldn't you want your spouse to share with you and your children the same Eucharist? A non-Catholic Christian spouse is not permitted to receive the same sacraments (aside from baptism) that Catholics receive. It seems to us that a sacramental disunity will likely hinder the overall unity of the marriage. (Cf. CCC 1633-1637.)

3. Is this person committed to the virtue of chastity?Another important consideration to ask yourself is: What's your potential spouse's view of the virtue of chastity? How has he or she treated his or her sexuality in the past? By practicing the virtue of chastity, has he or she protected the gift for you? Does he or she even know about the virtue of chastity?

If your potential spouse hasn't yet developed this virtue, you had better give this a lot of thought. Because there is a good chance you are headed for unfaithfulness in your future marriage.

As we've mentioned, people can begin again regarding the virtue of chastity -- but don't fool yourself into thinking that someone has begun again when he or she really hasn't. This beginning again needs to be demonstrated over a period of time.

Even if he or she has begun again, you should still be aware that problems can still be carried into a marriage because of previous unchastity. Bonds created with past partners, possible STDs, and uncomfortable past memories from a promiscuous sex life can still cause problems even if he or she has truly begun again.

The virtue of chastity is also important because trust is dependent upon it. And if there is no trust, then a healthy relationship is not possible.

4. Look to marry someone who is working hard to develop all the human virtues. The virtue of chastity is not the only virtue to consider when choosing your future spouse. Here is a laundry list of virtues that must be developed to help ensure a happy marriage. Is he or she ...

-hard working?
-self-controlled?
-honest?
-kind and compassionate to those who are suffering?
-just and fair?
-patient?
-generous?
-merciful and understanding of people's weaknesses?

No one has obtained all of these virtues completely. What's important is that your future spouse (and for that matter, you) should be working on these virtues and headed in the right direction. As we have already mentioned, marriage has a way of developing many of these virtues. But for these virtues to grow in marriage, the seeds need to be firmly planted before marriage.

In conclusion, the above are four important considerations when contemplating whom to marry. Obviously, there are other important considerations: attraction, complementary personalities, respect, and the like. But we are convinced that if you seriously consider the four criteria we have listed in this section, you can't go too far wrong. To enter a marriage without considering these four factors could lead to big trouble and future unhappiness.

It's good to consider these factors before you "fall in love," because "love" can really be blind sometimes. Deciding who to marry is serious business. Choose wisely!