CHAPTER 4

Sex is intended to help unite two people in a lifelong marital bond, and it's designed by God to bring children into the world through this bond  -- Simply put, sex is both life-uniting and life-giving

---

 

 

 

 

You could buy this book from Our Sunday Visitor Inc., 200 Noll Plaza, Huntington, Indiana 46750

Sex: Good or Bad?

The June 15, 1994, issue of USA Today carried an incredible story about a very large group of courageous teenagers. At a Southern Baptist Convention, 103,000 teenagers signed cards pledging to save sex for marriage. The signing of the pledge cards was part of a year-long campaign called True Love Waits. Julie Putnam, a seventeen-year-old girl, explained what signing the chastity card meant to her: "It's a commitment to God-and also to my future spouse--to keep myself pure until I get married."

According to the newspaper article, not everyone was excited about this program. One member of the American Civil Liberties Union's Reproductive Freedom Project, Eduardo Capulong, called the chastity pledges "misguided." His reason? "It comes from the position that sex is bad."

Unfortunately, many people think like this man when it comes to God and sex. Because the Bible and the Catholic Church teach that sex is only for married couples, these people assume that God must view sex as something bad, dirty, and even sinful. A recent survey has shown that nearly eight out of ten teenagers think that God has a negative view of sex.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

God Created It, Commanded It, Evaluated It

The truth is --God sees sex as a wonderful gift. God doesn't waste any time telling us what he thinks about sex. (He knows sex is a hot topic with us humans!) In the first few chapters of the Bible, three things are very clear:

1. God created sex.

2. God commanded Adam and Eve to "do it."

3. God even evaluated it (no kidding).

Let's take a look at what we mean.

As we mentioned in the last chapter, God made humans sexual beings. The Book of Genesis records that God made a male-sex person and a female-sex person. We know them as Adam and Eve. It was God's intention that Adam and Eve would develop a relationship and live as companions.

In fact, this relationship between the man and the woman was intended to be very intimate and even sexual. Here's how Genesis describes the creation of woman and her intimate union with the man: "Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.' . . . So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed" (Genesis 2:18, 21-25).

Did you notice that the man and the woman were created with a sexual relationship as a part of God's plan for them? The language is fairly explicit. The man and his wife "cling" to one another and become "one body." And they were naked, "yet they felt no shame."

Isn't this a beautiful passage about marital, sexual love? Is God frowning upon this union? No way. He created it.

This brings us to the second thing we can see about God's view of sex. God actually gave Adam and Eve a command to have sex. Really --he ordered them to "be fruitful and multiply." We all know where babies come from. So we realize that God is telling Adam and Eve to have sex.

Does God ever command us to do anything bad, dirty or sinful? No way. When God is commanding Adam and Eve to have children through sexual intercourse, he is ordering them to do something very good.

So that there can be no doubt in anyone's mind, God evaluates the sexual union he has asked Adam and Eve to undertake. "You mean to tell me, God watched them?" Of course. He sees everything we do.

You may remember from reading the creation story that God evaluated each part of his creation after he made it. For example, after making the sun, moon, and stars on the fourth day, God evaluated his work. "And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day" (Genesis 1: 18-19).

This same evaluation is found for the first five days of creation. In each of these days God looked at what he made and "God saw that it was good." When we come to the sixth day, we notice a small but significant difference in God's evaluation. Remember that the sixth day was when God created the man and woman and commanded them to have sex.

On this day, "... God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good" (Genesis 1: 3 1; emphasis added). Adam and Eve couldn't have agreed more! Sexual intercourse between a man and his wife is indeed very good, according to God.

A Very Good Gift (That's Holy, Too!)

It's our conviction (and the Catholic Church's solid teaching) that your sexuality is a very good gift from God. The Book of Genesis doesn't contain the only Bible passages that speak about sex in this way. In the Letter to the Hebrews, St. Paul goes so far as to imply that sex is holy. In Hebrews 13:4 we read, "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for God will judge the immoral and adulterous" (emphasis added). Now only those things that are holy can become defiled. If sex can become defiled, then St. Paul must be saying that sex (the marriage bed) is holy.

Can there be a higher view of sex than this? No. We are convinced that the Church's view of sex is superior to that of all others. Of course, this is what anyone would expect from the truth.

There's another book of the Bible that devotes much of its attention to celebrating marital, sexual love. That book is called the Song of Solomon (also Canticle of Canticles or Song of Songs).

In this poetic book, the newly married spouses take turns describing their affection for each other. For example, in the fourth chapter the husband describes with metaphorical detail the pleasure he takes in his new wife's body. He tells how lovely her eyes, hair, teeth, lips, mouth, neck, and breasts are. After surveying her beauty, the new husband concludes: "Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold, you are beautiful! / ... / You are all fair, my love; there is no flaw in you" (Song of Solomon 4:1, 7).

A few verses later he describes a kiss from his beloved new wife:

You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride,
you have ravished my heart with a glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
How sweet is your love, my sister, my bride!
how much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
Your lips distil nectar, my bride;
honey and milk are under your tongue;

--Song of Solomon 4:9-11

Are you blushing yet? Yes, this is in the Bible! Does this surprise you? Can you believe it? We can.

The Bible celebrates marital, sexual love.

Reserved for Marriage Only

You may have noticed that the Bible passages we just looked at spoke about the very good gift of sexual love in the context of marriage. Genesis highlighted that Adam and Eve were husband and wife; the reading from Hebrews indicated that it was the "marriage bed" that was to be kept holy; and in the Song of Solomon it is the newly married husband that describes his wife's beauty. Indeed the Catholic Church has always understood the Bible to teach that sexual love is reserved for marriage only. (Cf. CCC 2350, 2353.)

In the remainder of this chapter we want to ask two related questions. Why does God see sex as a wonderful gift? And why does God reserve sex for marriage only?

What's the Big Deal About Sex, Anyway?

What is it about sex that makes God think it's "very good"? The best way to answer this is to look at why God created sexual intercourse in the first place. As we mentioned in the last chapter, God didn't need to make us sexual persons if he didn't want to. What purpose could God have in mind for sexual intercourse?

The Catholic Church has recognized that there are two purposes of sex. In technical language, the Church calls them the unitive and procreative ends of marriage. In more understandable terms, sex is intended to help unite two people in a lifelong marital bond, and it's designed by God to bring children into the world through this bond (procreation) -- Simply put, sex is both life-uniting and life-giving. (Cf. CCC 2363.)

Sex Is Life-Uniting

Sex has a powerful way of uniting two people unlike any other human action. We mentioned in the Introduction to this book that we had dated seriously for seven years before marriage. During the course of that dating relationship, we were best friends.

We saw each other nearly every day. We talked constantly. We spent time at each other's home. We went to the same high school and college. Let's just say that by the time of our marriage we knew each other very well and thought of ourselves as closely united. Our friends couldn't even speak about one of us without mentioning the other.

But we must admit our honeymoon had a profound effect upon our relationship. After having intercourse for the first time, our unity was established in a new and profound way. That first night of our honeymoon had created bonds that seven years of dating didn't come close to establishing. We're not exaggerating!

We had now experienced what Jesus meant when he said that the two shall become "one flesh." We'll never forget what we said to each other on that first night of our marriage. We mentioned that we couldn't believe that people just do this casually with different partners.

The Hebrew word for sexual intercourse appropriately describes the profound unity created by sex. When the Bible speaks about sexual intercourse, the literal Hebrew term it uses for the sex act is "to know." For example, the phrase "Adam had relations with his wife" is literally (in the original Hebrew) "Adam knew Eve."

We think that this is a great way to describe the life-uniting bond that sex creates. There is no more intimate "knowing" possible. Not only do you bare your body, but you also bare your emotions and your soul. In sexual intercourse, you give yourself completely to your mate and become one with him or her.

Pope John Paul II in his 1994 "Letter to Families" stressed that marital love is a self-giving love. He encouraged spouses to give themselves totally to one another out of selfless love.

Sexual intercourse is at the service of this kind of total self-giving. The sex act itself is both a sign and the physical demonstration of this total self-giving.

When couples marry, they give a gift to each other: They give themselves. It's a total gift. Next time you are at a Catholic wedding, pay close attention to the vows. What is each partner pledging to give to the other? One's total self.

Sexual intercourse is intended to strengthen that unity and to help make it a reality. Can't you see how beautiful this kind of self-giving love is? And how wonderful and powerful sexual intercourse is in the service of this kind of love? We can.

Can you also begin to see how sex used out of this marital context of total self-giving love is really a lie? The sex act is saying, "I give myself to you totally and I completely bind myself to you for life." But this kind of gift is not possible for those who are not married.

Sex Is Life-Giving

Not only is sex life-uniting, but it's also life-giving. We have a friend who is fond of saying that the marital union created by sex is so real, and the love so profound, that in nine months you have to give it a name!

With all the talk about condoms these days, it's difficult to imagine that sexual intercourse is actually designed for the making of babies. But why do you think condoms are used in the first place? They are used because we all know that sexual intercourse makes babies.

Think about it for a second. A couple who engages in sexual activity actually has the ability to create a new human life. This new child possesses a soul that will live forever. Sex is very powerful indeed.

When spouses bring a new life into the world, they are acting in a Godlike way. Only God can bring a new human life into being, but he has shared this ability with couples. Some theologians have even concluded that having a baby is the most divine action humans can perform.

It blows us away when we stop to think that Nathaniel, David, Emily, Seth, Michael, and John Paul Kiser would not exist if it weren't for us. God has given us a powerful gift in sexual intercourse.

We joked in the last chapter about how "messy" and painful childbirth is. All joking aside, the experience of holding your first child for the first time is incomparable. With tears streaming down our faces, we marveled over this little creation of our love. We couldn't believe that our love had actually made this little guy.

It's a shame, but because so much attention these days is placed on physical pleasure gained from sexual intercourse, many are missing the best part of sex: Sex is designed to make babies. God not only wanted Adam and Eve to become "one flesh," he also told them to be "fruitful and multiply." He wants the same from married couples today.

Consider our bodies, whose sexual organs are intended to aid in the creating of new life. God made the sexual organs reproductive organs. The sexual organs were not made solely for the pleasure of sexual intercourse.

Despite what we see on the tube or hear on the radio, sex is not a cheap plaything intended for sexual pleasure. Sex is pleasurable, but it's also much, much more. Sex is a sacred power that brings new life into the world.

Because of this sacred power to create new human life, sex is only right in the context of marriage. Sex is moral only in marriage, because marriage is the only context for making babies. Let's face it: Children need the love and nurture that only a mother and a father in a loving marriage can give.

The Twain Shall Never Part

We have already hinted at why God wants us to use sex only in marriage. But let's take a closer look at how the Church explains this.

The Catholic Church (remember, the Church is guided by the Holy Spirit) teaches that for any sexual act to be moral, both the life-uniting and life-giving elements must be present.

Now what does this mean?

Well, it's fairly simple. First of all, only those who have entered into the life-uniting bond of marriage can engage in sexual activity. (Keep in mind that sex has the effect of bringing this union about.) All sex outside of marriage violates this first part. It's simply not moral and less than totally human.

But there's more. The sexual act must also be open to new life. In other words, married couples who have sex must not intentionally try to prevent a pregnancy from occurring as a result of their act of intercourse. Each sex act must remain open to life.

There's a lot more to be said about this, but we're going to keep you in suspense until you get to our chapter on marriage.

God Is Very Serious About Sexual Sin

So far in this chapter we have tried to show you that your sexuality is a very good gift from God. In fact, it's even holy. As we've seen, God considers this gift very good because it's incredibly powerful. It has the power of intimately uniting two people and the divine power of bringing new life into the world.

Precisely because of its goodness, holiness, and great power, God takes sexual sin seriously. In fact, as far as God is concerned, sexual sin is downright deadly. In other words, sexual sins are grave and the stuff of mortal sin ("mortal" means deadly). (Cf. CCC 239 1.)

What do sexual sins kill? They kill God's life within us. They kill that supernatural life which God has given to us in baptism. Ultimately, mortal sins separate us from God and make us unfit for heaven. In addition, they lead to unhappiness in this world.

We know this, simply because St. Paul has told us this in a few of his letters. For example, St. Paul says that those who commit sexually immoral acts are not fit for the kingdom of heaven (see I Corinthians 6:9-10).

We'll say more about this verse in the next chapter and explain later what factors must be involved for one to commit a mortal sin. But the important point to be made here is that God doesn't take sexual sin lightly. Keep in mind that sexual sins are serious --not because God thinks that sex is bad, dirty, or sinful. No. It's just the opposite. Sexual sins are serious and spiritually deadly precisely because God thinks that sex is very good, powerful, and holy. Therefore, sex needs to be protected.

Our Junky Van Versus John's Red Sports Car

Our minivan has become quite a popular item with our youth group. Not because it's nice or new. No, actually, it's old (more than ten years old) and rather junky. What can we say? We have a large family and not much money. So we have an old van.

Like any older car, our van has a "few" quirks that make it an adventure for us to travel anywhere. The electric window on the driver's side doesn't go down and the window on the passenger side doesn't stay up. The passenger door will not open, making it necessary to enter the front passenger seat of the van through the sliding door. This can be a real pain because the sliding door gets stuck and doesn't open without being bumped from the inside.

On top of all this, the cassette player sometimes eats tapes. And every once in a while it will not eject them --one kid's Billy Joel tape was stuck for days. We had to pry it loose. In the process we broke the radio.

Oh, yeah, we should mention that at speeds over fifty-five miles per hour, the van shakes and shimmies. It has also been known to stall at that speed because of a carburetor problem. Out of mercy for the manufacturer we're not going to tell you what make or model it is. After all, it has over one hundred thousand miles on it and, knock on wood, it's still running.

Needless to say, we don't value our van very much. Would you? We don't even lock it at night. (Anyway, who could break into these doors?) Yet, we live in a neighborhood with a very high stolen-car rate. Our neighbors have had both their cars stolen over a six-month period.

Because our van is not very valuable to us, we make very little effort to protect it.

On the other hand, John Casella, one of the adult volunteers for our youth group, has a brand-new red two-seat Toyota sports car. This car is sweet. It has an expensive stereo with a CD player that holds six disks. The speakers are awesome. And the ride is smooth and low to the ground.

Unlike us, John takes great care of his car. He washes and waxes it frequently. It's always shiny and clean.

Now, John lives in the neighborhood with the second largest stolen-car rate in the country. John always locks his car. And he keeps it in his locked garage overnight. On top of that he had an alarm system installed --you know, one of those systems that triggers, if you so much as sneeze on it, a siren that would break your eardrums.

Now which car do you think the kids in our youth group would like to drive? No contest. John's. If you could choose either car for your own, which would you pick? The junky van or the red Toyota?

How Much Do You Value Your Sexuality?

The preceding is a very important question --because how much you value something usually determines the way you take care of it.

Do you value your sexuality as much as John values his car? Do you see your sexuality as a very precious possession? Do you recognize that it's a very good gift given to you by God? Do you view your sexuality as something holy?

If you do, like John with his car, you will go to every extreme possible to protect your sexuality from misuse and harm. You will cherish your sexuality and make every effort to keep your gift "clean" so that you can give it to your future spouse.

Or do you value your sexuality the way we do our van? Do you view it as something cheap and rather worthless? Do you see your sexuality as only a means to a good time on Friday night?

If you view your sexuality this way, you will leave it unprotected, as we do our van. Your sexuality will become easy prey to misuse and abuse. No effort will be made to keep it only for your future spouse.

The choice is yours.

Conclusion

We have tried to demonstrate that your sexuality is a very good gift from God. In fact, your sexuality is precious. We plead with you to treat it like John does his car --certainly not like we treat our van.

We guarantee that if you use your sexuality according to God's will, you won't be disappointed. Sure, it will be difficult at times --but the rewards far exceed any short-term struggle and sacrifice you might have to endure.

Unfortunately, if you should choose to treat your sexuality badly and use it in immoral ways, there are consequences of abusing this very good gift. The next chapter will examine some of those consequences.