CHAPTER 5

These consequences are seldom shown on TV shows or movies because the media don't want to admit problems with the loose moral standards they portray

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'I Hope You Weren't Speeding'

Keith will never forget his first speeding ticket. We were coming home on a winding country road from a relaxing fall afternoon in the park. We had a nice picnic and long walk through woods whose trees were decked with red, brown, and yellow leaves.

It was the perfect study break. The day was just right until it happened. Tami suddenly interrupted our conversation with, "I hope you weren't speeding. There was a cop sitting in the driveway we just passed."

We were relieved when he didn't pull out behind us. Our hearts slowed down and we returned to our conversation. Then we saw another cop as we rounded the sharp curve. He was standing firmly in the center of the road, pointing to his left. We pulled over --the "victims" of a speed trap.

The officer told us that we were traveling at 52 mph. Not too bad. Trouble was --the speed limit was 30 mph.

We both almost cried when the officer handed Keith a $138 speeding ticket.

Our shock soon turned to anger. Keith felt tricked. He felt trapped. And besides, the speed limit was too low. This speeding ticket wasn't fair.

Even so, we realized (after we cooled off) that it was fair. Keith did break the law and he must deal with the consequences, no matter how painful it was for him to write that check. (Keith had been saving for a new stereo receiver.)

It's not too far a jump, then, from the rules of driving to the way of sexuality: If we choose to disregard God's plan for our sexuality, we'll likely face several painful consequences.

God's gift of sexuality is very good indeed. But sex is abused if it's used outside of marriage. And the costs of abuse are often pricey.

Spiritual Costs

Before you think that you can skip over this section because it is about "spiritual things," please realize that this is the most important consequence and can be the most damaging. Remember (as we saw in Chapter 2), our happiness, value, and meaning are intimately tied to our relationship with God.

It's our experience that nearly all teens care very much about their relationship with God. But it has also been our experience that other concerns (popularity, good times, sports, and the like) often take priority. God is shelved until later in life. "After I've had my fun, then I'll take my faith seriously. I'm young; I've got lots of time to straighten my relationship out with God." This seems to be the unspoken attitude among many.

Maybe it's that young people think they are somewhat immortal. Death is not a real possibility to most teens. But remember what Robin Williams told his students in the movie Dead Poets Society: All our bodies will eventually become "worm food." All of us will die one day. You have probably heard your grandfather say something like this:

"Life is so short.... It just seems like yesterday that I met your grandmother."

Now that we're both pushing thirty, we can verify that. It doesn't seem like that long ago that we were in your shoes. Now, we are married with children. When you recognize that life is so short, your spirituality suddenly takes on importance. Remember, what you do here and now and the decisions you make affect your relationship with God. These ultimately impact where you will spend eternity. And eternity lasts a very long time!

As we saw in the last chapter, sexual sins are very seriously wrong. In fact, sexual sins are considered grave matter. (Cf. CCC 1855, 1857-1858.) And grave matter is the stuff mortal sins are made of. Mortal sins completely cut us off from God and make us unfit for heaven. St. Paul wrote about sexual immorality. Inspired by God, he warned, "Do not be deceived; neither the immoral [that is, fornicators], nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor robbers will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10).

Fornication is a fancy word for saying "sex before marriage." The original Greek word that Paul used when he wrote this passage is a form of the word porneia. In English, we get the word pornography from this word. The exact meaning of porneia is hard to pin down. But we know that it covers a wide range of sexual sins, including premarital sex.

Any sins that we have in our life will damage our relationship with God. But as we have just seen, sexual sin is very serious and it can break off our relationship with God completely. Mortal sins do this because (as their name suggests) they kill God's life in our souls. And if we leave this life without a relationship to God (without God's life in our souls), we'll never make it to heaven.

But why is God so strict and seemingly harsh with this consequence? Remember, he loves us very much. (He's not like a cop who hides in the bushes waiting for us to mess up.) So much, in fact, that he wants the very best for us. Sex is beautiful --but not when it is abused. It's certainly not worth an eternity away from God.

If you have already damaged or broken your relationship with God because of sexual sins, God has provided a way to receive complete forgiveness. It's called the sacrament of reconciliation, or penance (also known as confession). Because God is so loving and forgiving, he has given us a way to begin again with him. And through this sacrament we receive the strength needed to stay clear of future sexual sin.

This sacrament is so vitally important for receiving true forgiveness --and also for providing help for staying sexually pure --that we have devoted the entire next chapter to it.

Emotional Costs (Kristen's Experience)

Kristen, a college friend of Tami's, had a serious dating relationship while she was in high school. Because Kristen was one year behind her boyfriend in school, she finished high school in Ohio while he went off to college in Pennsylvania. When the time came for her to enter college, Kristen chose to go to that same school in Pennsylvania.

Kristen continued to date this guy on and off during her first two years of college. Many times he broke it off and dated other girls. Tami was always surprised to find Kristen begging him to take her back, which he did for a little while until the next new girl came along.

"Why do you still want to go out with him?" Tami would ask. Kristen would reply that, although she couldn't stand him, she couldn't let him go. It was a painful two years for her.

Kristen was a very nice and sweet Christian girl with many other likable traits, but she seemed to have a few problems that confused Tami. She lacked confidence and she had a low self-image, especially when it came to being with guys. She was also often oversensitive about her own mistakes.

Tami got to know Kristen pretty well over the next few years. And when she saw the final end of the relationship between Kristen and her high-school sweetheart (he got engaged to another girl), Kristen finally confided to Tami that she had had sexual intercourse with this guy during high school.

Suddenly, it all made sense. Tami could now understand why she felt so bonded to this guy who obviously didn't treat her very well. Now it made sense why Kristen carried this load of guilt.

This is one side of sexual relationships that the movies and TV shows seldom show. Hollywood glamorizes sex. Movies and TV shows seem to deny that there are any bad emotions involved. They just concentrate on the romantic love.

This is not how it is in real life. As we've seen in the last chapter, sex has a powerful way of uniting two people emotionally as well as physically. Sex has a way of creating a bond that continues long after the physical part of sexual intercourse is through.

This emotional bond is meant to thrive in the lifelong union that only marriage can provide. When there is no marriage commitment, the emotional bond will unravel.

People who engage in sexual activity outside of marriage will often carry around extra bad feelings and emotions.

Some of these are obvious and others are not, as was the example with Kristen. Those who have been sexually active before marriage will likely experience many of the emotional problems that are sure to follow.

First of all, guilt. Their conscience (remember that conscience is God's law in our hearts) knows that they have done something wrong, even if they try to rationalize it by saying, "But we really love each other" or "We are planning to get married anyway." They will feel guilty. Only a conscience that has been desensitized by our culture will not feel guilty. Keep in mind that to possess a numb conscience --one that doesn't know right from wrong --is a terrible thing.

They will also feel guilty because they probably had to lie about their sexual activity. Lying to their parents about where they have been or what they have been doing will make them feel awful. Think also of the other respected people in their lives that they will have to face. There is the priest or the youth minister who thinks they have so much going for them and their grandma who thinks they're so good. What would all these people think if they knew the truth? It's as though sexually active teens are living a lie in front of all those important people.

From all of this extra guilt, it will seem as though they have to constantly tell themselves that what they are doing is all right or make up excuses for themselves.

They may also begin to feel used. Girls almost always feel this way. If not at first, at least later on. If sexual activity does not take place in a committed relationship (committed enough to go down the aisle and say "I do"), then someone was used.

If the decision to have intercourse was on the spur of the moment or after being pressured and persuaded, a girl can actually feel raped. Especially if it was her first time. Her virginity was robbed, and she will never get it back.

We would like to share a letter we read recently from a girl who was fourteen and very sorry about her decision:

I was so excited when Chris asked me to go on a date with him. He was sixteen and could drive a car. My mom at first said, "No." She finally gave in as long as she knew exactly where I was. This is when the whole terrible mess started. As Chris and I spent more and more time together, I really fell in love with him. I remember feeling on top of the world. He was cute and small. He went to Mass every Sunday, which really impressed my mom. My friends treated me with a greater respect because I had a real boyfriend. After our dates, we started kissing and it eventually led to more. I felt okay about it since we weren't actually going all the way. And I did really love him. One night we decided to skip going to the movies and just go over to his house because his parents were away. We started kissing and then he asked me if we could go all the way. He even had a condom to use so I wouldn't get pregnant. I really felt that I couldn't let him down. After all, he was a great boyfriend. I didn't think he was asking too much of me. We did and now I am very sorry. I wish I could live that evening over again. I wish I would have said, "No." Our relationship soon grew cold. It seemed the only time that Chris was nice to me was when we were going to have sex. We didn't even talk anymore. I felt so used. We broke up and I am afraid to go out on a date again. Chris, however, is dating another girl in my class.

These feelings of guilt and of being used are just some of the emotional problems that frequently come with extramarital sex. All of these problems can lead to a low self-image and a loss of self-esteem. People with a low self-image have problems in other areas of their lives (meeting people, schoolwork, sports, getting a job, etc.).

High-school students have enough to worry and think about without these extra emotional burdens. Do you really want this heavy emotional burden on your shoulders during your teenage years?

Social Costs (Tarzan and Jane)

You may think that the decision to be sexually active will just affect you and the one you're dating. You may also be tempted to think that sex will strengthen your relationship. Both of these assumptions are very untrue. Not only will having sex affect your present relationship, but it will also harm future relationships (including your future marriage). On top of that, a sexual relationship will have an effect on other friendships.

Let's look at how it could affect the relationship with the person with whom you are presently involved. Something happens to a dating relationship when sexual involvement occurs. We've seen the following happen many times when we were in high school and college. It typically happens like this:

Tarzan meets Jane. They swing in the jungle together for a few weeks. Everything is going great, so they decide to go all the way.

Pretty soon they find themselves having sex whenever they can. Jane sadly thinks back to the days when they used to just sit together by the river and share their dreams. Tarzan remembers the fun times they spent together feeding the monkeys.

Jane feels that Tarzan doesn't even know her anymore. Tarzan feels that he can't even talk to Jane. Both feel the heavy strain of their relationship.

Should they get married? Jane doesn't think that Tarzan is the man for her. Tarzan has his eyes on some other woman.

So many people think that sex can bring a boyfriend closer to his girlfriend. But it only works like that if the forever commitment, the marriage commitment, is there. If two people are not living together, sharing everything, and totally giving themselves permanently to each other, sex will put a wedge in the relationship instead of binding it together in a healthy way.

Sexually active dating relationships revolve around sex almost if not totally exclusively. Because of this, the dates will not get to know each other well. Instead of talking about the math test, the family, a friend's car, feelings about today's news, dreams about the future, etc., the number one concern becomes: "Are your parents going to be out of the house tonight?" Anyone can see that this is not good for a relationship.

A strong relationship needs good communication. A young man or woman might be fooled into marrying the wrong person because they really didn't take the time to get to know each other beyond the bedroom. If you really think that this can't happen to you and your date, you're dead wrong.

Sexual intercourse puts a strain on other friendships as well. Once couples have decided to go all the way, their extra time and energies are usually spent entirely on each other. If you keep putting off your friends when they ask you to go to the mall with them or to the game, soon they will just quit asking. Your friendships are a valuable part of high school. Dates will come and go, but a best friend or group of buddies can last a lifetime.

If a couple has isolated itself and a breakup occurs, both partners might feel totally alone. Sometimes this is why some hold on to miserable relationships.

Sexual activity will also harm future relationships. It will most certainly affect any future dating relationships. If a girl breaks up with a boyfriend with whom she's had a sexual relationship, it will be very hard for her to get rid of the reputation of someone who "goes all the way." A lot of guys may want to go out with her, but they only want to go out for one thing. That kind of guy doesn't care about the other person or about developing a loving relationship. All he wants is sex. He may even be willing to try to fool her in order to get it. Now, not all guys are like that. Many guys are decent and caring.

How does it affect a guy with a bad reputation? The same way. Most guys, when they want a good relationship, will want to date a girl who is nice, friendly, and not someone known as being "easy." When this guy (who is known to have gone all the way) finds a nice girl he would like to date, more than likely she is going to turn him down. Most girls tend to stay away from guys who have a bad reputation.

If that isn't bad enough, having intercourse before marriage can also affect the future marriage relationship. Studies have shown that for those who are sexually active before marriage, chances are much greater that they will cheat on their spouse. If they can't control themselves before marriage, what makes them think they will control themselves after marriage? No moral standards before --no moral standards after. You can only begin to imagine all of the consequences of a broken marriage relationship. Just ask someone whose spouse has been unfaithful or someone who has been through a divorce.

These social consequences of having sex before marriage are seldom considered by couples. This is unfortunate because many of them do happen to couples who engage in sexual activity before marriage. These consequences are seldom shown on TV shows or movies because the media don't want to admit problems with the loose moral standards they portray. It's too bad, since these consequences are real and should be considered when such decisions are made.

Physical Costs (Russian Roulette)

When people mention "consequences" of having sexual intercourse, they usually mean the physical consequences. We kept the physical consequences till last because the other ones are too often overlooked as unimportant. Make no mistake, the physical consequences are very serious and very real.

We like the comparison here between having sexual intercourse and playing Russian roulette. In Russian roulette, someone places a single bullet in one of the six chambers of a gun. He gives it a spin, holds the gun to his head, and pulls the trigger. If he's lucky, the bullet will not be in the barrel when the gun is fired. If he's unlucky, well, he's dead.

Who would be foolish enough to play such a game? Yet, those who are sexually active are opening themselves up to similar risks.

Let's take a look at sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control says that one in four teenagers who have had sex in a given year will acquire an STD¹. The dreadful effects of these diseases range from sores, lumps, and itching to damaged reproductive organs and even death. Some types of STDs cannot be cured.

More than one in five Americans are infected with an incurable STD other than AIDS². STDs can cause sterility. If a baby contracts certain STDs from the mother during delivery, the disease can cause blindness, brain damage, or even death. Some studies show that up to twenty-nine percent of sexually active adolescent girls have been infected with a disease called chlamydia³ The most common complications of chlamydia and gonorrhea, even if treated, are infertility, miscarriages, and chronic pelvic pain.

Now let's look at AIDS. No cure has been found for it, so it is fatal one hundred percent of the time. An estimated one million people have the HIV virus that causes AIDS⁴ And the number is growing fast among teenagers.

"Well, what about using a condom?" We heard a speaker say once, "Condoms are a con job. Don't be dumb."⁵ If a condom cannot even prevent a pregnancy (their failure rate is reported to be as high as thirty percent for teens), how is it going to prevent the spread of AIDS, whose virus is four hundred fifty times smaller than sperm? Would you jump with a parachute that failed thirty percent of the time?

A sexual partner who seems "clean" or from a good family is not necessarily free from disease. Anyone who has had sexual intercourse with someone else who also has had sex is at risk. It's often said that having sexual intercourse with someone is like having sex with all of that person's past partners and their partners' partners, etc.

Even if both partners are virgins, they're still not free from physical consequences. Did you know that one of every five teenage girls who are sexually active gets pregnant?⁶ Four out of ten of these pregnancies will end tragically in abortion.⁷

Girls, can you imagine worrying every month whether your period is late? Talk about stress. If it's just a few days late you are already wondering: "What will I tell my mother? Can I really kill my baby? I'm not ready for marriage. What about college?"

And please don't be fooled into thinking that a pregnancy out of wedlock can't happen to you. It happens to over one million teenage girls every year.

These physical consequences are very real and can happen to anyone who is sexually involved. Sometimes statistics can seem far removed from reality. But the truth is that each one of these numbers represents a real teenager just like you.

Is It Worth the Price?

You tell us. After considering all of these consequences, how can anyone say that premarital sex is worth it?

Don, a sophomore, when confronted with the possible consequences of premarital sex, had an insightful comment. He said, "If any teenager really stopped to think about all the bad things that can happen, he wouldn't do it. The trouble is we just put them out of our minds because we want the immediate pleasure."

Please don't buy the lie that society is telling you. Look ahead and consider the consequences. No, it's not easy when you are in the heat of passion. That's why it's so important that you make this decision ahead of time.

If we just follow God's plan for our sexuality, we can avoid all of the undesirable consequences. And it's not as if God is telling us, "No, and that's final!" He is lovingly telling us, "Not now, just wait." And we can certainly testify that he's absolutely right.

If we don't abuse God's very good gift of sexuality, it'll be the source of tremendous happiness in marriage. Maybe you have already abused the gift? Don't despair! There is hope. You can begin again. The next chapter tells you how.

Notes

1. Facts in Brief: Teenage Sexual and Reproductive Behavior The Alan Guttmacher Institute (New York) and the Centers for Disease Control (Atlanta), 1993.
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid.
4. Ibid.
5. Comment attributed to Molly Kelly.
6. Facts in Brief. Teenage Sexual and Reproductive Behavior.
7. Ibid.