CHAPTER 6

Reconciliation is a time for repentance and conversion. Repentance literally means to change directions. If we are sincere about making every effort not to repeat the same sins over and over again, we need to come up with a strategy to battle the temptations that easily trip us up

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Joel's Story

Joel and Keith were sitting in a jam-packed diner in Pittsburgh at 7:00 A.M., talking in hushed voices, hoping they weren't being overheard.

What Joel was describing held Keith spellbound. He was describing his sex life. (No, really, he was.) He was talking about his past sexual exploits. But do you know what the best part was? (I know you can't wait.) Joel was detailing how God's mercy and forgiveness had worked an incredible change in his way of life.

You see, by age eighteen, Joel had bought totally into the media's view of sex. It was then that he began sleeping with his second girlfriend. But this relationship lasted no more than nine months. In fact, all of Joel's other relationships lasted only a few months.

Joel related how he moved from one girlfriend to the next, sleeping with each one. All of these relationships ended in the same way: Joel and his former girlfriends ended up despising each other.

Joel described his lowest moment as the time he committed adultery. He had slept with another man's wife, but he had convinced himself that he had done nothing wrong. "After all, I'm not married" was how he excused his behavior.

(Remember how we said in Chapter 3 that conscience can become muddled and confused? Well, this is a good example of what we were talking about.)

Joel's exploits continued for nearly seven years. But something was wrong. Joel wasn't happy; in fact, he was miserable. How could this be? He had what many guys dream of -many good-looking girlfriends and lots of sex. Yet, it didn't satisfy.

Joel was looking for answers. Through a good friend, he got involved in a Catholic group on a university campus. (Joel was in graduate school at the time.) It was through a priest he met there that Joel realized what he must do. He desperately needed to be reconciled with God. He had totally shut God out from his life through his sexual sin. Joel needed to clean the garbage out of his soul so that God could enter his life again. He was sorry for his sins and desired the sacrament of reconciliation.

Joel related to Keith how this confession was a new beginning for him. He confessed his sexual sins to the priest and made a resolution to stop abusing his sexuality. Joel describes this confession as a liberating experience. He was now free from what had been enslaving him for the past seven years.

Joel admits that it's still a struggle to keep from abusing his sexuality. Many times he has had to begin again through the sacrament of reconciliation. Conversion and change are a process.

Many, like Joel, have found a new beginning through confession. This chapter is about that hope --hope of a new beginning. There is real hope for those who desire to put their sexual gift back together again. Those who have abused their gift of sexuality can begin again through the sacrament of reconciliation.

But before we talk about how confession can help, we need to discuss a related question.

Why Do I Want It So Badly?

After one of our talks, a guy asked us this great question. "I understand that God wants me to save sex for marriage. And I really want to please God, but why do I want it so badly when I know I can't have it?"

Why do you want it so-o-o-o badly sometimes? Well, first of all, it's simply because you're a normal human being. God made healthy humans to be attracted to the opposite sex. The sexual attraction isn't a problem; it's not even a sin.

But sometimes sexual attraction and desire can get out of control. Why is this? We know this can happen even when we don't want it to. There is a reason for this. It's a disorder called (excuse the big word) concupiscence (con-KEW-pih-sense). Sounds like a disease, doesn't it? Well, in some respects, it is a disease --of the soul. And here's the catch: You have it. In fact, we all do. Do you remember what we said back in Chapter 2 about the first sin of Adam and Eve? Let's refresh our memory. Their first sin had a dramatic effect on every human being that has ever lived since then. Because of it, all of us are born with original sin. And with original sin came the condition that theologians call concupiscence.

Concupiscence is a disorder that lets our lives get out of whack. Namely, what gets out of whack is our wants and desires. Once they take charge, reason and good judgment are thrown out the window. As a result of this condition, all of us have an inclination to sin. We are attracted to sin, even though we know it will only hurt us.

Have you ever been to the Pizza Hut lunch buffet? You know, $3.99 for all the pizza you can eat? Not too long ago, Keith took a group of hungry guys to the buffet after they had played golf. Every one of them stuffed himself to the hilt (including Keith). They had taken so much pizza and bread sticks that their plates were full of crusts and half-eaten pieces. Most of them didn't feel so good on the way home.

This was concupiscence (and gluttony) in action. Rationally, they all knew that they were eating more than was healthy, yet the pizza was so-o-o-o good (and so available) that nobody wanted to stop eating until it became very uncomfortable to eat anymore.

Our sexual appetite can become disoriented in the same way. We can desire sex, even though we know rationally it's not good for those who are not married.

St. Paul grappled with concupiscence. He talked about his personal struggle with it in his Letter to the Romans: "I don't understand why I act the way I do. I don't do what I know is right. I do the things I hate.... With my whole heart I agree with the Law of God. But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do" (Romans 7:15, 22-23; CEB).

Why do you want it so badly, when you know it's harmful? Concupiscence, of course. It's important to point out that concupiscence itself is not sinful. Although it often leads to sin, the disorder itself is not sin. What one does with the attraction determines if it becomes sinful. Concupiscence can be resisted and overcome. St. Paul tells us how: "Who will rescue me from this body (which is full of concupiscence) that is doomed to die? Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me" (Romans 7:24-25; CEB).

Unfortunately, many don't turn to Jesus for help. Many of us are weak at times. We just give in to our desires and commit sexual sins. St. Augustine is famous for asking God for sexual purity "but not yet." Most of us want to do what's right, but concupiscence gets the best of us and we commit sexual sin. (Cf. CCC 1264, 1426.)

This brings us to our next section: a discussion of what it takes to commit a sexual sin.

The Perfect Sexual Sin (How to Commit a Mortal Sin)

We mentioned in the last two chapters that sexual sins contain the stuff of mortal sin. We'd now like to clarify what is necessary to commit the "perfect" sin --a mortal sin. Three things are necessary to commit any mortal sin (cf. CCC 1857): (1) The action or thought must be seriously wrong or grave (as we have said, abuses of the sexual gift fall under this category). (2) There must be knowledge that what one is doing or thinking is seriously wrong. (3) There must be freedom from coercion or force.

What this all means is that you cannot commit a mortal sin by mistake, accident, or force. You must know that you are doing something very wrong and you can't be forced into doing it by anyone else.

Throughout this book we have been trying to explain what's sinful when it comes to sex. In Chapter 9, this will be specifically discussed when we look at "How far is too far?"

But what do you do if, like Joel, you already know that you've abused God's very good gift of sexuality? Let's look at a famous example.

David Takes a 'Bath'

David had seen her before. She was gorgeous. And he wanted her for himself. But she was married. And her husband was out of town on a military mission. As he watched her bathe from his roof, David caved in to his desire for her and called for her. He had her brought to his room; there, they committed adultery.

No one would have known about it had a "complication" not arisen. The girl got pregnant. To say the least, David was now in a terrible fix. What would he do?

Her husband was sure to find out now, but not if David could find a way to cover it up. He'd do anything. Because David was the king, he had the woman's husband called home immediately from his military duties. But why would he do this?

David knew that when a husband and wife have been away from each other for a while, sex is extremely likely to follow upon their reunion. (In America, we have a whole generation called the "Baby Boomers" who were conceived when military men returned from World War II.) David was hoping to cover up the fact that he was the father of the child.

But her husband, Uriah (how would you like that name?), was too noble. He wouldn't even go into his house. Because his men were still at war, Uriah couldn't live with himself if he had the comfort of being with his wife. David was bummed to the max when he discovered that Uriah had slept on his porch. David had to turn to plan B.

Plan B involved getting Uriah drunk so that his defenses would be down and he would then sleep with his wife. But plan B met the same fate as the first plan. Uriah wouldn't "just do it," even after he had a few.

In desperation, David had to turn to plan C. He killed Uriah. That's right, David had Uriah killed. We need to give David credit for a clever murder. He sent Uriah back to the battle with a note in his hand for his commander. The note ordered Uriah to be sent to the front of the battle. When he got there, all the other troops were ordered to retreat and Uriah was brutally killed.

Maybe you recognize this story. The woman's name was Bathsheba and David was the famous king of Israel. (This is the same David who killed the giant Goliath.) David was an otherwise righteous man who fell into serious sexual sin that led to murder.

The Bible records that David didn't recognize his sin at first. (Talk about a warped conscience!) It wasn't until God used the prophet Nathan to awaken David's conscience that he realized what a terrible thing he had done. But once he came to this realization, David repented immediately with great humility.

A Clean Soul

We tell you about this episode because some of us can relate to David's deep sorrow at offending God through sexual sin. After he realized his guilt, David wrote a song describing the intensity of his sorrow and his search for a clean soul and a new beginning through God's mercy and forgiveness. We know this song as Psalm 51. Here's a portion of it:

Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness,
in the greatness of your compassion wipe out my offense.
Thoroughly wash me from my guilt
and of my sin cleanse me.
For I acknowledge my offense,
and my sin is before me always:
Cleanse me of sin with hyssop, that I may be purified;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.

Psalm 51:3-5, 9, 12; NAB

It's obvious from this part of the song that David knew exactly what he needed. More than anything, he wanted a clean soul and he knew that only God could give that to him.

Did you notice how many times in these few verses that David asked for a clean soul? In case you missed them, they're worth repeating:

Verse 3: "Wipe out my offense."

Verse 4: "Thoroughly wash me from my guilt."

Verse 4: "Of my sin cleanse me."

Verse 9: "Cleanse me of [my] sin."

Verse 9: "Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow."

Verse 12: "A clean heart create for me."

David is describing what some of us have experienced when we have seriously offended God through a sexual sin. Like David, we can feel tainted and dirty. Sexual sins are especially good at producing a feeling of defilement. (Remember, sex is a holy act. When something holy is abused, it becomes defiled.) Because of this, David tells us in another part of this Psalm that all of his joy had departed because of his sin.

The reason that sexual sin produces such deep sorrow and pain is because sexual sin is a very personal sin. Our bodies are an intimate part of who we are, and what we do with them touches our very soul. This is why St. Paul said, "Do not be immoral in matters of sex. That is a sin against your own body in a way that no other sin is" (I Corinthians 6:18-19; CEB).

But David is not merely talking about his feelings. David is describing what had really happened to his soul because of his serious sin. He had totally lost that which makes our souls clean and fit for heaven. He had lost God's life within his soul. And without it, his soul can rightly be described as "dirty."

However, David knew exactly where to turn for help. He turned to the very person he had offended. He turned to God and his great mercy and compassion. We need to learn from David. Too often we run from God by making excuses for our behavior or by denying our guilty conscience. Nothing could be worse than turning from the very person who wants to totally restore us and give us a new beginning and a sparkling clean soul.

God is merciful, but he's not a doormat. There are conditions to God's mercy. David knew what they were. David knew that God wants us to be humble enough to admit our sins and sorry enough to ask God for his mercy and forgiveness. Here's how David put this: "For you are not pleased with sacrifices; / should I offer a holocaust, you would not accept it. / My sacrifice, O God, is a contrite spirit; / a heart contrite and humbled, O God, you will not spurn" (Psalm 51:18-19; NAB).

God will never reject our plea for forgiveness if we are humble and sincerely sorry for our sins. The apostle John promised that "if we confess our sins to God, he can always be trusted to forgive us and take our sins away" (I John 1:9; CEB). Do you realize what a great gift this is? In fact, God is so serious about forgiving us that he gave us his Son to be crucified for the forgiveness of our sins. If that's not love and mercy, we don't know what is.

Jesus and the Adulterer (A Mission of Mercy)

If you had the kind of friends that Jesus had, your parents would probably freak. He hung out with thieves, crooks, and prostitutes. One of the more vivid stories in the Gospel is Jesus' encounter with an adulterer. You remember the story.

Jesus was teaching the crowds who had followed him to the temple when he was interrupted by a great commotion. "Stone her! Stone her!" chanted the crowd. A woman had been caught in the very act of adultery. The scribes and Pharisees brought her to Jesus to see what he would do with her. They forced her to stand in the middle of the whole crowd. Can you imagine how humiliating this must have been for this woman? How would you like your sins dragged out in public?

The Bible tells us that the scribes and the Pharisees used this woman's situation to try to trick Jesus. They didn't care about how the woman felt, but Jesus did. They were only using her to get Jesus. They asked Jesus if they should stone her as the law of Moses prescribed for adulterers.

Jesus didn't play their game. He was too concerned about the woman's soul. He turned the trick around and said these now famous words, "Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone." At these words, one by one all the adulterer's accusers walked away, leaving Jesus face to face with a woman who was caught committing a serious sexual sin.

Jesus could have cast the stone. Unlike the scribes and Pharisees, he was without sin. Yet, he had nothing but compassion and mercy for the repentant adulterer.

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?... Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again" (John 8: 10-11).

"Neither do I condemn you." What better words could this woman have possibly heard from the Son of God? The relief, the joy, and the jubilation she must have experienced at the sound of these words! Her sins were completely taken away by our Lord.

Jesus summed up his own mission when he said that he "did not come to judge the world but to save the world" (John 12:47). Jesus is always ready to forgive those who are sincerely sorry for their offenses against God.

Confession: A Meeting with Jesus

Shortly after his resurrection and before his ascension into heaven, Jesus entrusted his ability to forgive sins to his Church. John's Gospel records Jesus' breathing on his apostles and saying to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained" (John 20:22-23).

By the will of Christ, his ability to forgive sins has been passed down through the apostles' successors, the bishops, to our Catholic priests today. Jesus has set up his Church so that we can meet him, just as the adulterer did, for the forgiveness of our sins through the sacrament of reconciliation. (Cf. CCC 1461.)

"But I don't like confession. I'm afraid of what the priest might think of me if I tell him these things." We often hear comments like these from teenagers.

All these. thoughts should vanish when we realize what really takes place in reconciliation. Confession is a meeting with Jesus. "That's funny, Father doesn't look like any portrait of Jesus I've ever seen."

But seriously, in a very real yet mystical sense, Jesus is present in the confessional. He is present through the priest because the priest is acting in the person of Christ. When the priest acts in a sacramental manner, something amazing happens to him. He is transformed into a werewolf (just kidding). He really becomes an alter Christus --in English, another Christ. Not only is he another Christ, but he is also ipse Christus --Christ himself (Cf. CCC 1548.)

So you see, the sacrament of reconciliation is really a meeting with Jesus Christ. It's to Christ that we confess our sins through the priest. And it's Christ who forgives us through the priest. Now, it's obvious that the priest hears our sins, too! But did you know that priests are under a very serious obligation never to tell anything that they hear in reconciliation to anyone? They can't tell anyone your sins. If they do, they are immediately kicked out of the Church and the priesthood. In fact, they are not allowed even to think any different about you. What's said in the confessional stays in the confessional. (Cf. CCC 1467.)

It's our unanimous experience that a priest's view of a person only increases when that person sincerely confesses his or her sins. Keith will never forget the excitement of the priests who had just completed hearing confessions during a high-school day of reflection. The talks for the day centered on love and sexuality. At the end of the day, there were long lines for the confessional. Many waiting to avail themselves of reconciliation had tears streaming down their faces. After the confessions were completed (nearly forty-five minutes past schedule), the two priests emerged from the confessionals rejoicing at God's mercy and grace at work in the lives of those teens who had kept them working overtime.

How Do I Make a Good Confession?

We have known many teenagers who get bent out of shape over the proper form of confession. You might hear someone admit, "I haven't been to confession in four years.

I'm not sure I know what to do. What do I say?" It's really very simple. Most parishes have a few times scheduled for confessions during the week. Get a church bulletin and find out when your parish offers the sacrament. If you can't go during this time, call the priest and set an appointment. Most priests are eager to offer you the mercy and love of Christ through this sacrament. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "priests... must make themselves available to celebrate this sacrament each time Christians reasonably ask for it" (No.1464).

Before you enter the confessional, or reconciliation room, it's necessary to make a good examination of conscience. An examination of conscience is like a spiritual checkup. During this time, sincerely ask God to show you how you have offended him.

A good way to make an examination of conscience is to use the Ten Commandments as a guide. Evaluate your thoughts, words, and actions based upon the Ten Commandments as Jesus understood them. For Jesus, the Commandments had to do not only with wrong kinds of behavior but with attitudes of the heart. For example, Jesus understands the Fifth Commandment, "You shall not kill," to also include hating anyone. Jesus understands the Sixth Commandment, "You shall not commit adultery," to refer to all sins against chastity, including lust (see Matthew 5:28).

Here are some examples of questions you might want to ask yourself based upon the Sixth Commandment:

Did I think impure thoughts? Did I dwell on them?

Did I participate in impure conversations? Did I start them? Did I tell dirty jokes?

Did I look for fun in forms of entertainment that put me at risk of committing sins against chastity (immoral movies, music, novels, magazines, etc.)?

Before going to a movie or listening to music, do I try to find out if this could lead me to sins against chastity?

Did I willfully look at pornographic materials of any kind?

Did I lead others to sexual sins through my behavior or by the way I dressed?

Did I fantasize or masturbate?

Did I engage in acts that led to passion such as necking, passionate kissing, and petting?

Did I do anything with my date to intentionally sexually arouse my date or myself?

Did I let my date and myself get into a situation that could have easily led to sexual sins or did lead to sexual sins?

Did I have sex outside of marriage?

After you've prepared, go to confession. But remember, this is a meeting with Jesus. Tell Father when your last confession was. If it has been some time since you have been to this sacrament, he will surely be glad to guide you through it.

Remember, it's not good confessional "manners" that's important --it's your honest sorrow and desire for a new beginning that really counts.

Four things are very important to make a good confession.

1. Sincerely and honestly confess your sins to the priest. Sincerity and honesty are absolutely essential. Don't make excuses for your behavior or thoughts. Don't beat around the bush. Humbly tell Jesus like it really is. No one can fool God. All serious or mortal sins must be confessed --that, as we have seen, includes all sexual sins. It's also wise to confess less serious (venial) sins, because by doing so you will receive God's strength and grace to help you battle them more successfully. (Cf. CCC 1458.)

2. You must be sorry for your sins. Remember what David said in Psalm 5 1. God will not turn away a broken and sorrowful heart. This doesn't mean that you need to cry every time you go to confession or that the sacrament of reconciliation must always be an emotional experience, what's important is that you are sincerely sorry for doing wrong. True sorrow means you will be making an effort not to repeat your sins.

Your sorrow is expressed in the act of contrition that the priest will invite you to make after you have confessed your sins. You can make one up in your own words or use one you may have memorized. Here is a standard act of contrition (quoted from the Handbook for Today's Catholics, a Redemptorist pastoral publication) that contains the basic elements of this type of prayer: "My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us. In his name, my God, have mercy. Amen."

3. As the act of contrition indicates, you must intend to avoid these sins in the future. For there to be true repentance, you must firmly intend not to do them again. (More about this in a minute.)

4. You must perform the penance given to you by the priest. There is no forgiveness unless satisfaction is made through the penance, which is generally a prayer or some small act of service. At the end of confession, what you have come to seek is given to you --mercy and complete forgiveness. The priest, acting in the place of Christ, prays the following words of forgiveness while extending his hands (some priests will place their hands on your head): "God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

"I absolve you from your sins." Those who have fallen into serious sexual sin know how wonderful these words sound at the end of confession. The priest will generally send you on your way with the following or similar words: "The Lord has freed you from your sins. Go in peace."

These words are not meaningless. One who has just made a good confession has real inner peace. There can be peace because a relationship with God has been restored.

And this is what matters more than anything. He forgives us completely! He doesn't hold anything back or anything against us. He has filled the penitent's life with his life once again. He has granted a new beginning.

'Go and Sin No More'

The last words Jesus spoke to the woman caught in adultery are important. After telling her that he did not condemn her, he sent her on her way but not before he commanded her not to sin again. When we seek forgiveness from Jesus, he expects us to make every effort not to repeat our sinful thoughts and behavior.

Reconciliation is a time for repentance and conversion. Repentance literally means to change directions. If we are sincere about making every effort not to repeat the same sins over and over again, we need to come up with a strategy to battle the temptations that easily trip us up.

These changes aren't easy, but with God's help they can be made. When we confess our sins, we are saying to God that we regret doing this sin in the first place and that we will attempt to change through his help. The next two chapters lay out a plan that can really help us make the changes.

Secondary Virginity

We have run into several sexually active teenagers who mistakenly think that, once they have abused their sexuality, they might as well do it again. After all, the gift has already been abused, so what's the point of protecting a gift that's already opened?

This might be valid thinking if it weren't for the sacrament of reconciliation. The truth is: This sacrament gives us a totally new beginning with God and others. Here's how St. Paul put it: "Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new. God has done it all!" (2 Corinthians 5:17-18; CEB).

It's true that one can never change what he or she did in the past. Some of the consequences of this sin will always stay with you. But it's also true that one can have a fresh start through reconciliation. In this sacrament, a new you can be born.

The truth of God's mercy has led many teenagers to embrace the concept of secondary virginity. These teenagers were once sexually active but have since made a commitment to protect their renewed gift.

A New Beginning -- As Often as You Need It

How often do I need to go to confession? We have a priest friend who answers that question with another question: How often do you take a shower?

Well, how often do you take a shower? If you're like most teenagers, you probably take a shower every day. If you're used to taking a shower this often and you miss one day, you probably feel pretty dirty and slimy. Many of us take daily showers because we don't like our bodies to be dirty.

As we saw with King David, sin dirties our souls --serious sin makes it really stink. Imagine what would happen and how you would feel if you didn't take a shower for over a month. Nobody could stand you. Talk about B.O.! Who would want to be around you? Even you couldn't stand yourself.

Likewise, when our souls are dirty because of sin we need to bathe them in God's mercy and forgiveness. How often do you need to go to confession? As often as you need it!

Let's face it. Sexual morality can be difficult to practice these days. God understands our weaknesses and is ready to forgive us as often as we need it. There's no reason to carry around a rotting, stinking soul, when there's a remedy at your local rectory. Many saints have recommended confession at least once a month. But if you need to go every week, go every week.

Frequent confession is a good idea, not only because it forgives sins, but because it also fortifies our soul against future temptations. Frequent confession is like "rust-proofing" your soul. Cars are rust-proofed to protect them against the elements that eat away at metal and eventually ruin cars. Our souls need a similar type of protection from the grime of sexual temptation. Frequent confession provides just this protection by helping us to fight temptation and follow God's will.

Sexual morality is difficult, but it's far from impossible. We now turn to some practical ways to help you fight a winning battle against hormones gone wild.