CHAPTER 7

Sexual sins have a way of sticking, like chewing gum does to your shoes. Each sin against chastity makes it harder and harder to resist temptation in the future. Sexual sins have a way of embedding themselves in our memory. These memories can lead us into future temptations and can make us more susceptible to fall again

---

 

 

 

 

 

You could buy this book from Our Sunday Visitor Inc., 200 Noll Plaza, Huntington, Indiana 46750

Going to the Limit: Maria and Al's Story

To what extremes would you go to protect your gift of sexuality from abuse? It depends on how much you value it. Maria obviously valued hers. Here's her story.

Nearly every time Al saw her, he would whisper in her ear. Maria hated it. She asked him to stop, but he wouldn't. You see, Al had the serious "hots" for Maria. He often made crude sexual requests of her. What made matters worse was that Maria and Al were neighbors. In fact, they shared the same duplex on a country farm. It was a funny house. The upstairs was divided into two separate living quarters --one for Maria's family and one for Al's, but the families shared a common kitchen.

Maria avoided Al whenever possible, but he wouldn't leave her alone. One day while everyone else was out, Maria was doing her chores in the kitchen when Al approached her from behind. He grabbed her by the shoulders and asked for sex. Maria instinctively lashed out at Al, her fingernails grazing his face and drawing blood.

When Al let go, Maria ran for the door, but she wasn't quick enough. Al got there first. Blocking the door, he threatened to kill her if she told anyone about what had happened. Maria agreed and he let her go.

On a hot day in June, it happened again. Only this time, Al was determined to get what he wanted. He entered the kitchen again, but this time he had a knife. He wrestled Maria to the floor and pinned her down with his knee. "Have sex with me or I'll kill you" was his demand.

Maria resisted and pleaded: "No! No! I will not. I will not! No, because it is a sin. God forbids it. You will go to hell, Al. You will go to hell if you do it. No, I will not. No! It's a sin!"

Al stabbed Maria fourteen times and left her alone to die on the kitchen floor in a puddle of her own blood. She lay there over an hour before she was discovered.

It was 2:00 P.m. when she was attacked. It wasn't until six that evening that Maria reached the hospital in a horse-drawn ambulance. She was operated on without anesthesia --to no avail. Maria was dying. A priest was called and Maria made her last confession, received her final Communion, and she was anointed.

Maria had one final wish. She asked God to forgive Al. (Imagine doing that!) She hoped that one day he could join her in heaven.

Maria Goretti was scarcely twelve years old when she died. Al (Alessandro) was nineteen. (All reports indicate that Maria looked like a mature fourteen--or fifteen-year-old girl --which would explain why a nineteen-year-old was interested in her.)

On June 24, 1950, Pope Pius XII bestowed on Maria Goretti the highest honor that can be given to anyone. He proclaimed her to be a canonized saint of the Catholic Church. He also declared her the patroness of youth.

Guess who was present at her canonization? Maria's mother and siblings and more than a half million other Catholics! This marked the first time that a saint's mother had ever been present at the saint's canonization. This also marked the first time that a canonization had to be held outside in St. Peter's Square because so many people wanted to celebrate this young girl's virtue of chastity.

Guess who testified on behalf of Maria's holiness during the canonization process? Alessandro, her murderer! During his prison term, Alessandro had a dream in which Maria gave him a bouquet of fourteen lilies, symbolizing her forgiveness. You'll remember that Alessandro had stabbed Maria fourteen times.

After the dream, Alessandro was overcome with sorrow and he repented of his terrible crime. When he was released from prison, he immediately sought the forgiveness of Maria's mother and family. It was granted, and he subsequently became very close to the family.

During Alessandro's final years, he became a Franciscan lay monk. He wrote the following note shortly before his death: "I ask pardon of the world for the outrage done to the Martyr Maria Goretti and to purity. I exhort everyone to keep away from immoral shows, from dangers, from occasions that can lead to sin" (quote from Fourteen Flowers of Pardon video; produced by The Mercy Foundation of Scottsdale, Arizona).

Real Protected Sex

We hear a lot these days about "protected sex." But it's not the kind of protected sex that Maria Goretti practiced. Usually what's meant by "protected sex" is using a condom to prevent disease and pregnancy. The way billboards, TV ads, and school health classes treat the condom, we get the impression that the condom is our national hero. The media would have us believe that if every guy had a condom in his wallet there would be no more sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancies. The facts don't support such a claim.

But even if condoms could do away with STDs and teen pregnancies, it wouldn't change the fact that this kind of "protected sex" still promotes the abuse of our sexual gift. It encourages us to use our sexual gift in a way that reduces sex to an animal act. It cheapens what's very valuable and very holy. It encourages us to be slaves to our desires and impulses.

On top of this, those who promote the condom fail to consider the spiritual and emotional consequences of premarital sex. As we have pointed out, sex outside of marriage is a serious offense against God. It's a mortal sin; it kills our relationship with God and makes us unfit for heaven. Using a condom (or any method of artificial birth control) only increases the seriousness of the offense against God. (More on this in Chapter 10.) We have also heard it said that there is no condom for the heart. A condom can't protect you against the emotional scars that premarital sex can create.

And besides, as you know, condoms aren't foolproof when it comes to pregnancy and disease either. Condoms break; condoms leak; condoms slip off, condoms have microscopic holes that some viruses and STDs can permeate (the AIDS virus is six to ten times smaller than the average holes in a condom); condoms don't get used correctly in the heat of passion; condoms don't cover the entire genital area, leaving these uncovered areas exposed to disease. It's no wonder that condoms have an estimated failure rate for pregnancy prevention that is as high as thirty percent. That means couples risk pregnancy three out of ten times they have sex using a condom.

The past forty years have seen an unprecedented rise in the use of birth control; yet, since 1960, illegitimate birth rates have increased more than four hundred percent, and the number of unmarried teenagers getting pregnant has nearly doubled in the past two decades.

Using a condom doesn't protect our sexual gift. But there is a way to protect our sexuality that's a hundred percent reliable. It's totally safe: no babies before marriage, guaranteed; no harmful side effects; no diseases; no AIDS; no emotional scars; no mortal sins; no used people; no painful bonds created; no regrets; no slavish relationships. No kidding!

What's more, this method of protecting your gift will make you stronger. We guarantee it'll make you a better person --more loving, more trustworthy, less wimpy and wishy-washy, and, certainly, more patient.

There's one catch: It's hard work. How does that old saying go? No pain, no gain. Don't wimp out. Don't cave in. Don't lose your spine! Don't be a jellyfish. With God's help, you can handle it. And besides, you're tougher than you think.

What are we talking about? Developing the virtue of chastity.

The Chastity Belt

Did you see the movie Robin Hood: Men in Tights? In that movie the heroine, Maid Marian, was forced to wear an iron chastity belt around her private parts. The belt was kept under lock and key so that it was impossible for her to have sex until her future "hubby" unlocked it. Of course, Marian's condition was made fun of throughout the movie. Her chastity belt was seen as terribly restrictive and as something she eagerly desired to be freed from.

It's unfortunate, but the virtue of chastity is viewed this way by today's media. It's unfortunate because the virtue of chastity is not a negative virtue. It's just the opposite. Chastity sets us free. It releases us from slavery to our sexual passions and makes us able to use our sexual gift to its fullest potential and pleasure. The truth is: Practicing the virtue of chastity results in the greatest possible sexual pleasure and happiness.

But what's chastity? It's a virtue. And what's a virtue? A virtue is simply a good habit that helps us to do the right thing (what God wants). We aren't born with virtues. In fact, they can be quite difficult for us to develop (remember concupiscence; see last chapter). Virtues are learned. They take practice and effort to develop.

Keith's brother plays basketball for his high school. He's six feet one. It's been a dream of his to slam-dunk since he was a small boy. But all the dreaming and wishing in the world won't make it possible for him to dunk. (Keith knows from trying the wish-and-dream method.) Bobby knows this, too, so he's put himself on a strenuous daily workout routine to develop his leg strength. In time, he hopes to have developed his jumping ability to the point of making his dream of dunking a basketball a reality.

The virtues, including chastity, take a similar effort if we are to learn how to successfully practice them. But if practiced often enough, they can become second nature to us --much like dunking a basketball is to Michael Jordan.

When we say that somebody has "character," we are saying that this person has developed many virtues (good habits) and that he can be relied upon to practice them all the time or nearly always. Honesty, moral strength and endurance, sincerity, generosity, kindness, self-control, and truthfulness are some of the virtues that we all admire in people.

Chastity is the virtue that helps us to use our sexuality in the right way. It helps us to be in control of our sexuality --not controlled by our passions. More specifically, chastity helps us to use our sexuality in accordance with the state in life we are in.

All people are called to practice this virtue. The way this virtue is expressed depends on whether or not you are married. Chastity is not just for those who are unmarried teenagers. Priests and those in the religious life are called to practice this virtue. And we, as a married couple, are called to be chaste as well. Chastity is a virtue that must be practiced throughout life if we are going to please God and if our sexuality is going to give us happiness and pleasure. (Cf. CCC 2348.)

But how can a married couple practice chastity? Doesn't chastity mean not having sex? No, not if you're married. It means using your sexual gift properly in whatever state in life you find yourself. For married couples, being chaste means giving your sexual gift to each other in the act of sexual intercourse. But it also means avoiding all sexual acts and thoughts that are not right even when you are married. Some of these include: using birth control, lusting after other people, and adultery. For those who are unmarried, chastity also means not having sexual intercourse or doing those acts that lead up to the sex act. Chastity is more than a list of dos and don'ts (although these are important). Chastity is the virtue that keeps us from being controlled by our sexual passions and drives. It helps us to battle crude thoughts and conquer them. (Cf. CCC 2349.)

If you don't learn how to ski when you're young, it's pretty difficult (although not impossible) to pick it up when you're in your forties. It's the same with the virtue of chastity. The younger you are when you form this virtue, the better. Because if you don't learn it as a teenager, it can be awfully difficult (although not impossible) to develop once you're older.

And if you haven't learned this virtue by the time you get married, it can lead to unfaithfulness and adultery. Other men and women don't suddenly appear ugly once you're married. Studies have revealed that those who were sexually active before marriage are more likely to cheat on their spouses than those who were virgins when they were married.

As we mentioned in a previous chapter, we're often asked why God gives teenagers such strong sexual drives when they can't yet use this gift. Could one possible reason be because God wants us to learn how to control this drive before we give ourselves totally to one other person in a lifelong marriage? We definitely think so. And developing the virtue of chastity can give us the kind of control of our sexual passions that can offer us a lifetime of sexual enjoyment and fulfillment with our one spouse.

After all, you could be married to the same spouse for fifty years or more!

There's another incentive for developing this virtue early. Sexual sins have a way of sticking, like chewing gum does to your shoes. Each sin against chastity makes it harder and harder to resist temptation in the future. Sexual sins have a way of embedding themselves in our memory. These memories can lead us into future temptations and can make us more susceptible to fall again. (Cf. CCC 2342.)

We have a middle-aged friend who was hooked on porn when he was a teenager. Our friend's dad had a bookshelf in their house full of pornographic novels, and our friend read every one of them when he was in his teens. He's convinced now that reading those books was one of the biggest mistakes he'd ever made. It has negatively affected his marriage in a way that he never dreamed possible. He related that these scenes have haunted him often. He desperately wishes that he would have fought harder to develop the virtue of chastity when he was a teenager. (Cf. CCC 2354.)

But remember what we said in the last chapter, through penance God can always give us a new beginning even if we have trouble with some of the physical and emotional consequences. These memories will still haunt you. But with time and lots of prayer and the sacrament of reconciliation, these effects can be lessened.

Conclusion: Chastity = Freedom

In the next chapter we lay out a specific game plan for developing the virtue of chastity, a plan that really works. This game plan is very important because chastity gives us a freedom that those who abuse their gift don't have. We conclude this chapter with a list that Tom and Judy Lickona give in their book Sex, Love and You. It's a list of some of the freedoms that chastity enables us to have:

CHASTITY GIVES YOU FREEDOM FROM ...

-guilt, doubt, worry, and regret.
-having to wonder, "How far will I go with this person on this date?"
-being used by others and using other people.
-sexually transmitted diseases (and, for girls, the possibility of not being able to bear a child because of an STD).
-having to choose between raising a child you aren't ready for and giving up your baby for adoption.
-the trauma of abortion.
-loss of reputation.
-pressure to marry early or to marry the wrong person.
-the ghosts of past sexual relationships invading your marriage.

CHASTITY GIVES YOU FREEDOM TO...

-exercise control over your life.
-develop real friendships based on mutual respect,
-shared thoughts, and shared feelings.
-develop skills, talents, and interests.
-have many relationships.
-develop self-respect and self-control.
-finish your education and achieve financial stability before having to marry.
-find a potential mate who values you for the person you are.
-enjoy greater trust in marriage (because you don't have to worry, "Is he or she going to fool around with someone else, the way we fooled around before we were married?").
-stay out of sexual sin and grow in your relationship with God.