CHAPTER 9

Our motive for obedience should be the love of God and a sincere desire to please him, not what's the least I can do and still get to heaven

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ow many of you have skipped ahead in the book to this chapter? The "how far is too far" chapter was the first chapter we used to look at when we read books like this one while we were dating. We had been to enough youth-group meetings to know that God clearly said no to "going all the way" outside of marriage.

But how far could we go? What could we get away with without sinning? Where did we have to draw the line? These are important questions because when you care about someone deeply, there's a strong desire to express that affection. This is natural and good. But as you know, not all expressions of physical affection are appropriate for unmarried couples.

We've already seen that sexual intercourse is a very good gift from God (it's holy, too) that is reserved for the marriage bed only. We've also tried to show you that each person is duty-bound to protect that gift by practicing the virtue of chastity and its related virtues.

Now, we turn to a discussion of what actions are appropriate for dating couples and which actions cross the "chastity border."

Wrong Question

We used to love going to McConnell's Mills State Park when we were dating. The park was built around an old stone mill located in a gorge. The mill sits near a briskly rushing creek, appropriately named Slippery Rock Creek. There are magnificent cliffs on both sides. A covered bridge fifty yards from the mill completes the scenery. We're convinced that this is one of the most beautiful spots in Pennsylvania.

We spent many Sunday afternoons hiking on the trails along the creek. The creek is lined with large boulders that are great for climbing and sitting on while dangling your feet over the rapids. The view from these rocks is spectacular.

But this mill isn't particularly easy to get to. You must follow a fairly steep trail down the side of the wooded hill. (The climb back up is a killer.) In fact, if you leave the trail it can be quite dangerous because of the rocky cliffs. There are many signs warning hikers to stay clear of the cliffs. Despite these, nearly every year a story or two appears in our local paper about a student falling from the cliffs and getting seriously hurt or even dying.

Tragedy struck Keith's family when he was in grade school. His aunt's brother was jagging around with some college buddies and fell sixty-eight feet from the cliffs onto the rocks below. It's a miracle that he lived. It took several years of rehabilitation before he could walk normally again.

Needless to say, whenever we went to the mill we didn't go anywhere near the cliffs. You can be sure that we never ran to the edge of the cliffs to see how far out to the edge we could go before we fell. No. We stayed far away.

Some people like to push God's Commandments to the limit. Those who do this have the attitude of "What can I get away with before I get caught?" (We had this same attitude!) "How far can I go?" is really the wrong question to ask. It's like running up to the edge of a dangerous cliff.

Our motive for obedience should be the love of God and a sincere desire to please him, not what's the least I can do and still get to heaven. With that said, it's necessary to have a good understanding of what actions break God's standards so that we can make every effort to avoid offending our heavenly Father and hurting ourselves. This is the right motive for asking: How far is too far?

Do You Smell Something Burning?

During one summer break from college, we worked as counselors at a summer camp. During the last night of one session of summer camp for eighth-graders, we were having our traditional farewell bonfire. It was late at night and a little cool. Tami, who had been down to the creek earlier that day, was drying her only pair of tennis shoes near the fire. Because she was looking forward to getting her cold toes into something warm and toasty as soon as possible, Tami put her wet shoes as close to the fire as she could.

She was not really paying much attention to her shoes (everyone, including Tami, was singing campfire tunes), when someone said, "Do you smell something burning?" Sure enough, one of Tami's shoes was smoking up -- big time!

Dating relationships can be compared to that campfire. Couples often desire to get close enough to the "fire" to get warm, but if they get too close physically they will get burned.

Tami put her shoes too close and they got burned. If couples become too sexually involved, they will get burned, too. (See Chapter 5.)

Sex is like that campfire in another way as well. When you build a campfire, you need to build it in the right place. A dry, grassy field? Not likely. Under a tree? No way.

When a person begins sexual activity outside of marriage, it's like starting a campfire in the wrong place. It'll likely go out of control.

Campfires are beautiful and cozy if they are where they are supposed to be. A runaway fire can be disastrous. One spark is all it takes to start a whole forest on fire. Some kinds of kisses can do the same. Don't light a campfire on your lap!

It All Started with a Kiss

Shortly after Tami got pregnant with our first child, a family friend gave her a maternity T-shirt. It was a white shirt with a large Hershey's Kiss printed on the front in sparkling silver ink. The following saying made a circle around the candy: "It all started with a Kiss."

There's a lot of truth in that cute little saying. The truth it captures is that sexual intercourse is a progressive action. Intercourse is generally preceded with small expressions of physical affection (like kissing and caressing) that build to greater ones and ultimately end in the actual sex act.

What's the purpose of the preliminary physical expressions of affections? These acts are really an essential part of the entire act of sexual intercourse.

What does a race-car driver do when he begins a race? Shift immediately into fifth gear and zoom ahead at 150 mph? No. He revs up his motor to get it warmed up and ready. He starts off in the lower gears, and then progressively shifts to higher gears as he builds up speed.

Making out, caresses, massages, petting, and other sexual expressions act in a similar way with respect to sexual intercourse. They are getting the body ready for sex.

God made sexual intercourse very beautiful; he has devised our bodies so that these preliminary activities make the joy and intimacy of sex last even longer and grow more intense. They are a necessary element of the whole act. And this is our point -- these preliminary acts are part of the process of sexual intercourse. Because of this, they are totally off limits except in marriage.

Rule No. 1: Actions Directly intended to Sexually Stimulate Are Out

This brings us to the first and foundational rule to govern what's appropriate or inappropriate for the unmarried. Because sexual intercourse is a process, all actions that are directly intended to stimulate sexually cross the "chastity boundary" and are, therefore, seriously sinful.

Have you ever been on a roller coaster? We both enjoy a good roller coaster ride. First, you stand in line, sometimes for a long time, winding through maze after maze. Then you get into the car. A seat belt is hooked across your lap or over your head. And then you're off. Click, click, click, click up the first hill. You begin to feel a nervous excitement as you get closer to the top.

Can you imagine trying to stop the roller coaster ride at that point? All the yelling in the world wouldn't get the attendant to stop that roller coaster. You've gone too far to turn around.

If you don't want to ride the roller coaster, then don't get into the car. Better yet, don't even stand in line. Roller coasters are not made to stop halfway up the first hill. Neither is sexual activity. It's unnatural to rev up your sexual engine and not bring the act to completion. If a couple is not ready to have sex (and that means married), then it's not moral for the couple to engage in any sexual activity -- because all sexual activity is directed toward intercourse.

We've got to remember that God loves us so much that he doesn't want to see us get burned or do something that would break our relationship with him. Rule No. 1 is meant to help dating couples protect a very precious gift from misuse and harm -- their sexuality.

To sum up Rule No. 1: If a person has purposely done something with the intention of sexually stimulating either himself or his partner, then that person has gone too far.

All direct sexual stimulation outside of the context of sex in marriage is a violation of the virtue of chastity. (Cf. CCC 2351-2352.)

But We Really Love Each Other

We have talked to dating couples who are convinced that it's okay for them to break Rule No. 1. They argue that they are involved in a very serious relationship and that they really love each other. These couples even plan on marrying one day. They can see why those who are in casual relationships shouldn't get involved sexually, but they think it's different for them because they're really in love.

Can Rule No. 1 be bent for those who are seriously in love and convinced they will one day marry one another?

Absolutely not.

For the simple reason that there is a big difference from planning to marry and being married. Friends of ours discovered this during their engagement.

Shawn and Denise were the envy of many at our college. She was gorgeous. He was a hunk. And they were in love. If there was ever a Barbie and Ken look-alike couple it was these two.

It didn't take long for Shawn to buy Denise the biggest diamond engagement ring we've ever seen. It was a match made in heaven. Or so the campus thought. They looked so happy together -- always clowning around. Wedding plans were proceeding. The future in-laws even got along great. The wedding seemed like a sure thing. If any couple could have morally proceeded sexually before marriage, it was these two. Everything seemed just right.

Then it happened. It blew everybody away. Denise called it all off. She had been secretly seeing another guy! Shawn was in a state of shock. He walked around for days as if he were a zombie. Nobody could believe it.

Fortunately, Shawn and Denise were faithful to God. They didn't proceed sexually. It may not have made much sense to some, but Shawn is thankful they waited. He is now very happily married to another woman.

No matter how much you think you may be in love and how certain you are that you will get married, it's never a sure thing until you're actually married.

But even if Shawn and Denise would have gotten married, it still would have been seriously wrong for them to have proceeded sexually.

Marriage involves a permanent and total gift of yourself to your spouse (more on this in Chapter 10). Sexual activity is the expression of that total gift. Before you're married, it's not possible to give yourself totally and permanently to one another. No matter how much you may think you love each other, you've still not said "I do" to the total commitment of marriage. This is why the Church teaches that all sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong. (Cf. CCC 2350, 239 1.)

A Hard Pill to Swallow

Do you find this teaching difficult? Don't worry; you're not alone. We used to find it difficult. But we always knew (no matter how difficult it seemed) that it was right.

Difficulties don't excuse us from acting out of love and obedience to God.

Nobody ever promised that following Jesus would be easy. Christianity is not for wimps. In fact, Christ said that following him would demand taking up our "cross daily."

Don't wimp out. This is a battle worth waging. But have no doubt, it can be a battle. Nearly everything in our culture speaks against Rule No. 1. But it's worth the fight in the end.

Obedience to God always brings tremendous blessings in the long run. We have friends who are fond of saying that "you can't out-give God." In other words, the more we give to him (through obedience to his commands), the more he will shower us with his blessings. Remember, Jesus promised "abundant life" to those who follow him.

Have hope. Practice the virtues. Pray. Jesus will give you the strength to follow Rule No. 1. All you need to do is sincerely ask him.

Perhaps the best way to avoid this whole tempting situation is not to date too seriously until you are ready to get married. However, this may not always be avoidable.

You may think you've found the perfect mate, but marriage is not possible at the moment.

Married friends of ours started dating on their first day of college. They had to wait through college and then until after grad school in order to be married. This was a tough battle and a long six years. Keep this in mind while you are in school. Study hard and work at your career. The best advice might be to begin to date only when you can get married in the near future.

Men and Women -- Not Created Equal (Mickey and Minnie)

Even if you just slightly paid attention during biology class when you were studying the human body, you could come to the conclusion that men and women are not created sexually alike at all. But what the pictures don't show is that not only do men and women not look alike sexually, they also don't function alike sexually either.

Here's what we mean. Guys can be sexually stimulated just by seeing something. Girls usually need some kind of touch. It's important that both guys and girls understand this. What may be sexually stimulating to one may not be to the other.

Mickey and Minnie are going to the movie. Minnie is wearing one of those short "minnie" --skirts and a tight blouse. Mickey affectionately puts his hand on her knee.

Minnie thinks this is sweet and is warmed up by the small, insignificant gesture. Mickey, on the other hand, is on fire! Being the moral mouse that he is, he quickly runs to the rest room and splashes cold water on his face.

Guys need to realize this and be careful about what they touch and see and what their related thoughts are. These were specifically addressed in the previous chapter under wisdom and self-control (Virtue No. 5 and Virtue No. 6). Guys, you need to be committed to not even bothering to stand in line for the roller coaster.

Although it seems to be a tougher battle for the guys, girls really have the harder job. Girls have to be sensitive enough to know when the guys are getting "too warm."

We're willing to guess that most of the time the girls will have the job of saying "Enough!" or "I have to go now." Girls, if you really care about your date, you will not let him go too far sexually. It's usually harder for him to stop, so do him the favor.

Rule No. 2: Don't Do Anything You Wouldn't Want Done to Your Future Mate

Even though we dated each other for a long time in high school, there were still other girlfriends and boyfriends before we began dating and after breakups. Even though we never had sexual intercourse with anyone else, we both have done some other actions with previous dates that we regret. It's been over ten years, yet it still feels somewhat painful and embarrassing recalling those moments as we write this.

For this reason we suggest (as a spin-off of Rule No. 1) that you don't do anything with your date that you wouldn't want done to your future mate. If you think to yourself while you're on a date, "Do I want someone doing this to my future wife/husband?" it may help you. Protect your gift for your future spouse, and at the same time you'll be protecting someone else's.

Rule No. 3: Don't Do Anything You Wouldn't Do If Jesus Were in the Backseat

If thinking of your future mate is not a strong enough deterrent to having premarital sex, try thinking that Jesus is there with you on the date. He's sitting behind you in the movie theater. He's walking behind you on your way home from school. He's in the backseat when you are riding home with your date.

Will that help you stay on the right path? Good, because he's really there. Remember what he told his disciples, "I am with you always" (Matthew 27:20). Jesus really is your friend. And as a friend, he has your best interests in mind. He doesn't want to spoil a good time, he wants you to have an even better one.

But How Do I Tell My Date 'No' (Without Feeling Like a Prude)?

Most of us don't like to disappoint other people. Especially people we care a lot about. We are afraid of being cold and of losing our dates' affection for us. But this is an area where firmness is called for out of love. Love for yourself, love for your date, and love for God demand that we say "no" firmly and clearly to unchaste behavior when we are put in tempting situations.

This can be difficult. But there are a few ways that can make it easier and more effective.

The first few ways of saying "no" that we have listed are ways of saying "no" without opening your mouth. These have been mentioned in other chapters, but they are worth repeating here. In addition, there will be times when you need to speak. When you must, do so clearly and with firm commitment to chastity. Don't let yourself compromise your principles because the temptations may look attractive.

Saying 'NO' Without Opening Your Mouth

1. Be selective with where you go on your date. Private, dark places make saying "no" a whole lot more difficult! Don't be "home alone" with your date.

2. Be selective with whom you date. Don't date someone who you know will make an effort to proceed with you sexually. Date only those people who value chastity as you do.

3. Be selective with what you do on your date. Don't use alcohol or drugs. Saying "no" can be much more difficult if you're not in total control.

4. Date with groups of couples.

5. Dress fashionably but not suggestively.

6. Don't lead each other on by the way you talk or flirt with each other.

7. Work hard on building a friendship that is based on trust and mutual interests rather than on sex. These are the friendships and dating relationships that are really worthwhile. The better friends you become, the less likely you will want to do anything that will hurt the other person (like engaging in premarital sex).

Saying 'NO' With Your Mouth

1. Tell your date that you don't want to offend God.

2. Tell your date that you don't want to hurt your relationship by allowing it to become sexually active. Tell him or her you want your relationship to be above that.

3. Tell your date you don't want to lose self-respect or respect for your date.

4. Tell your date that you view your sexuality as a gift that you want to give unopened to your future spouse.

5. Tell your date that you don't want to take something that doesn't belong to you -- your date's sexuality.

6. Tell your date that you don't want to create unhealthy bonds that premarital sexual activity creates.

7. If you are ever being forced by a male date to do something sexually, scream, bite, and run, if necessary. If your female date tries to seduce you sexually, simply tell her no and walk away.

Conclusion: So Where Do I Draw the Line?

Seeing that all preliminary sexual activity (petting, some kinds of kissing, necking, etc.) are a part of the entire act of sexual intercourse, it makes sense to say that they are definitely off limits. Where the line is drawn on other actions -- like holding hands, good-night kisses, and innocent backrubs -- will depend on whether they are sexually stimulating or not.

As long as nothing is done that is purposely sexually stimulating for you or your date, you should be okay. The best advice is to try to steer clear of even having to question yourself about whether you have gone too far.

Don't bother getting in line for the roller coaster when you can enjoy other activities together. Don't run up to the cliff to see how close you can get to the edge without falling off.

Spend these precious moments of young love getting to know each other better as persons and enjoying each other's company. You won't regret it.